Content Warning:

  Suicidal thoughts

  “Yea, it wasn’t too long after we got back,” Glenn explained, as though slightly confused. “Two officials came. Sofia went with one. I mentioned to the other who stuck around a bit that I was worried she might’ve had some rogue mage try and modify her memories. She didn’t seem like herself when we were heading back.”

  We were on the streets of Firstlanding a little ways outside the church’s tradehouse. Glenn had just finished up his report and collected payment for his trip.

  “It would’ve been fine, if Sofia had mana and could’ve joined us,” Glenn continued on. “I can imagine in a few months the five of us can all be fighting all manner of strange monsters and beasts! Sofia healing Archie and I while we fight up close, you flinging off spells, and Ivili shooting off her arrows and butchering the things. Saving towns and having a grand old time like in the stories.”

  I just stared in shocked disbelief at the shiny oaf. “Do you really think now’s the time for you to indulge in your dreams? At this rate, they’re never going to happen.”

  “What are you getting at?” Glenn asked, with an infuriating look of genuine confusion.

  I rubbed my head. Did I have time for this? Probably not, but what else was I going to do? It wasn’t like I could break Sofia out of the penance halls, not without putting ourselves on the chopping block. Father Yelgris agreed to see if there was a way to get to wherever Sofia’s was being held through some path in the catacombs.

  “Alright…” I looked Glenn dead in the eyes. “Sofia’s been sent to the Penance Halls for the next month.”

  “Penance, for what? She was attacked?” He looked even more confused if not slightly aghast.

  “Likely some nonsense like ‘endangering members of the faithful’ or ‘neglect of care for laymen’.” I shrugged, the why wasn’t important. It was a meaningless justification used as a facade for unjustifiable action. “What I’m more worried about, and what you should be as well, is that if her dad is involved then she’ll be in more danger than usual starvation and isolation.”

  Glenn’s face began to pale. “Usual? What do you mean ‘usual’? How can you say that so indifferently?”

  “What? Do you not know?” I asked, genuinely perplexed. “From what she's told me this happens pretty much every time you all get back from a trip.”

  “Don’t lie to me,” he said, a bit of anger in his voice. “Ivili already told me I should’ve tried to be more empathetic to Sofia if that’s what this is about.”

  “What do I gain from lying here?” I responded calmly. “I’m more surprised you don’t seem to know.”

  Glenn grit his teeth and looked away. “Fucking hells. Sofia… She tried… We need to get her out. Why would they do something like that?”

  “The why doesn’t matter. Don’t say anything, don’t do anything. I’ll see if I can handle things. Be ready, we’ll be leaving ahead of schedule, though I can’t say when yet.” I turned and made my way back into the church. This wasn’t going to be the only annoying conversation this evening.

  I hadn’t really had any time to formulate a plan. Mostly running to and fro trying to figure out what the hell was happening. The only real thing clear to me was that if Sofia’s father, the Severance Knights, or, most likely, a combination of the two were going to this extreme then they were either moving towards an end game, or were feeling threatened.

  Sofia wasn’t really significant enough for the Severance Knights as an organization to care. This was more likely than not motivated by her father. From what she’s told me, he hasn’t been too happy with Sofia’s growth over the last few months. Though part of that’s using what Fionn told me and it’ll be a lie to say I trusted her judgement anymore.

  Speaking of, the door to Fionn’s study was open so I made my way in, shutting the door behind me. Fionn was doing some paperwork, but looked up at me with resignation. She knew why I was here. It continued to annoy me how little Fionn held our confrontation those months ago against me. It was as though, in her eyes, I was a child that threw a tantrum and it wasn’t worth getting angry over.

  “They’re escalating…” I said dryly while staring contemptuously at Fionn. “A month in isolation because Sofia was attacked. It seems her father’s men took her away, before either her or Glenn gave a report of what happened. That tells me they knew ahead of time that something happened, maybe even orchestrated it. Do tell, what are you going to do about this?”

  “The attacker is still on the loose, that’s an unfounded accusation,” Fionn said, gazing on what she was working on in an attempt to avoid eye contact. “You know as well as I do I’m not in a position to do anything except ensure her wellbeing after her penance concludes.”

  “Bullshit.”

  “You shouldn’t speak so crassly with your superior.” She looked up to glare at me, but we both knew the look carried no weight.

  “Really? Why not make a fuss of things? Surely she hadn’t given you a report of what happened before they sentenced her. Make it an issue. Find others who’ll support you. I haven’t even been here as long as you and I know more people willing to do something.”

  “You said it yourself; I’ve been here longer. It doesn’t work how you want it to.”

  “Fine, I can’t say I was really expecting you to do anything. Though, if you care at all, here’s something you can do. Get Sofia another training mission, or whatever charity nonsense it’s disguised as, as soon as you can. I’m done with this and no doubt Sofia is as well. You want us gone to make your life easier? Help me do that and you’ll never need to see us again.” I left, not gracing her with a chance to respond.

  If you stumble upon this narrative on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen from Royal Road. Please report it.

  Walking down the hall, I took a look out the window. It was clear the Haze would be setting in soon and night soon after. Descending into the dormitory basement, I opened a crate to a low-pitched annoyed meow.

  “I’m sorry, buddy,” I said, reaching down and feeding him some mana as an apology. “I was worried about someone finding you. This isn’t exactly a church that really accepts devils.” Funnily enough others do.

  Even though Nox shouldn’t know what I’m saying yet, he let out a meow before jumping out of the box and rubbing against me. His horns poked into me slightly, but with the force of a cat, it was more uncomfortable than painful.

  “I need you to keep quiet alright? I want to take you somewhere cool.”

  I gently lifted him before making my way up to the attic. It was nice to come up here from time to time. Not to the attic, but to what it led to. There was a small hatch that I found a few months ago, which opened to the roof. I slinked out, keeping low to try and stay out of sight from below, before laying against the clay tiling. I’ve grown uncomfortably adept at lurking around whilst I’ve been here. This was certainly a new habit and not one of my better ones.

  I held Nox close and gave him some pets. He acted almost belittled at first before leaning into it. “What am I doing?” I mumbled to no one in particular. “I’m dancing with death and for what?” I couldn’t break Sofia out, that would be a fool's errand that would get us killed. Leaving from some charity trip would give us a much needed head start. Doubtlessly we’d be pursued. Though that wasn’t a huge worry with a headstart, as divination spells for tracking tend to be weak and unreliable unless they’re particularly high level. In which case they’re expensive.

  I laid down, resting on the roof and looking at the sky while the land was overcome by the now all too familiar purple hue. The two suns, Sola and Mala, the sun of light and the sun of magic respectively. Forever dancing in the sky. Sola was first to rise and often out shown Mala. The haze was Mala’s time to shine. It was funny, how months ago I found it extraordinary, but now it feels mundane. It’s crazy what time can do to a mind.

  The buzz of the city was calming down. Looking up to the sky ever so faintly through the purple, I could see golden glimmers of magic in the sky. A grimace grew across my face at the sight. This was all so stupid. I’ve been on thin ice that’s been cracking ever since I arrived here. I had a neat and tidy place in the lore of this world. I was a goddess, I made the world. What was I now?

  “I shall do all that’s in my power to hide you from the rest of them”

  What bullshit. I was supposed to be the ultimate power of this universe. Not some lowly mortal who could barely cast spells and has an entire church breathing down her neck. If this was any other world I wouldn’t bat an eye at it. Yet here I was saddled with some asinine legacy that pitted me against the most powerful beings of this world.

  I stared at the glimmers of magic in the sky until the purple hue faded into night and the faint glimmers with it. I wasn’t completely sure what the glimmers were exactly, but I had a guess. They were yet another part of my legacy; the barrier keeping the gods from the mortal realms.

  Gods don’t die in this world, they cease. Dying implies something’s left behind, a body or their memory. To cease is to leave nothing behind. Their memory fades and all the impermanent things tied to them fade as well. Things such as active spells and effects on the world, their memory, and their name. The only legacy that remains are their creations. Yet no one would remember who made them. The only one who carries their memory was the god who slew them, but it’s a cursed memory that had to be borne and can’t be shared.

  So if I die then what? Two hundred years of my soul being devoured by some god, before that barrier breaks and the gods come rushing back in to resume their war. How quickly would they destroy the world? Their followers make them more powerful over time. The gods with followers would want to snuff out their enemy’s followers, preventing their growth. The ones who have no followers desperate to not be slain.

  Yet only I know that if that barrier broke this moment that none of the gods would be coming out on top. They’d all be too blinded by their hate of each other to stop a lich from claiming his stolen divinity and usurping them all. What the world would look like from there, who knows. The thought was enough to put at least a small smile on my face. Even if the gods become my unmaking then I’d still have the last laugh.

  What a fragile world I made. My life was inherently more important than anyone else’s here. What a fucking travesty that was. However, I needed to remind myself of that. That was part of the reason why I was up here. Does ‘trying your best’ count with stakes like this? That seemed doubtful.

  Was helping Sofia even worth it? All it’s done so far was place a crosshair on me from people in the world. I have the knowhow to change things, I just lack the power to. What an annoying conundrum. More likely than not I’m going to die. In theory I could outrun death forever, but getting there… Meeting the goddess of death seems like a far more likely outcome.

  The wind was blowing in from the ocean and I could smell saltwater in the wind. At some point a familiar specter that’s haunted me for at least a decade now began to pull me up. I wasn’t surprised it followed me here, nor the first time since I’ve been here that it whispered to me. If anything it would be more surprising if it hadn’t followed me here. It guided me to the edge of the rooftop. Three stories was a long way up, but with what Aura I had a drop like this would be painful, but likely not lethal. The specter leaned in towards my ear and whispered its poisoned honeyed words in my mind:

  There’s a good chance right now only Stultvultan knows who you are. He’s on your side, if he claims your soul you need not face the hellfire the other gods would make for you. You can warn him that Morsius would turn the world into an undead hellscape. This world’s suffering because of you and your choice, a short drop and maybe it can be fixed. The world doesn’t need you to keep interfering. Everyone leaves you in the end. You’ve led a truly worthless life so far. You’ve never known love, nor have you ever truly known happiness. Why not take another step? Who would truly mourn you?

  Everyone’s already gotten their use out of you. They’ve all used you for your skills and talents. The moment you’re drained from all the one-sided effort you’ve put in is the moment they turn their backs to you. They have and always will cast you aside when you don’t ante up what they’ve never given back. Like leeches they take from you, and you still want to try? Why would anything change now? If anything it’ll be worse. You made this world after all. How much worse have you made the people here?

  Nox meowed repeatedly and rubbed up against me. Not that I needed him. I clenched my fist and grit my teeth as I backed away. It was right in so many ways, but I still wanted the holes of what I never had to be filled. Nox’s horns were rather annoying as he headbutted against me again. However, his fur was soft and he began to purr as I picked him up. In some ways he acted like a normal cat, but there was a deep intelligence in those glowing red eyes.

  I still want to change this world, to try and fix it. To leave a mark that was actually intentional instead of the fucked up shit I threw in here. I have a responsibility to it after all. Doing that without risking my life seems impossible. Fuck it all, this world was never meant to actually exist. If it ends because I’m trying to fix things, so be it.

  I already knew that I was already the villain. Unwittingly, but still responsible, for so many lives being lost. What’re some more corpses added on to the endless pile? The only chance I had at present to change the world was selling the secrets and hoping they’d lead to desirable actions. What could possibly go wrong?

  With the sunset I headed back inside. The private rooms were on the top floor with the communal lodgings below. I passed Sofia’s room and it was expectedly, though upsettingly, quiet. The hallway was empty so I went up to the door. It wasn’t locked so I entered. It was strange to be here by myself, but it wasn’t like she’d be coming back here anytime soon. Though perhaps there was something here she’d like while serving her sentence.

  The amulet I’d gotten her at the market was the first thing to catch my eye. Hanging somewhat centered in the shrine to Corlyn she had in the room. She’d been worried her father or one of his goons would take it from her so she left it here, opting to wear a more generic symbol of all the gods. The amulet itself was more expensive than I would’ve liked. I don’t know why I’d gotten her it. Whether it was from the guilt of putting her through my world, me wanting her to be happy, or simply me thinking she’d stick with me longer because it might cause her to feel like she owes me, I didn’t know. Either way I stashed it away. Was it poetic or ironic that I’ll be bringing the symbol of the Severance God associated with freedom into a jail cell to one of her captured followers?