Thankfully, it turned out that the Deus Oasis wasn’t far away – only a few hours, assuming they weren’t on foot. Of course, it was in the middle of the desert, which meant riding camels instead of horses, but that wasn’t much of a problem for any of them.
Except Carmine.
“Ach, gross! Gods damn it, why?!”
There was a bright blue glow from behind him, and Chase sighed tiredly. “Carmine, please do not cast magic on the camels. These things were not cheap.”
“And why shouldn’t I, Chase?” Carmine challenged. “After all, they keep fucking spitting on me for no reason. Maybe I should return the favor with a few projectiles of my own.”
“It’s not their fault that they don’t like you. Maybe you should try being nicer to them.”
“Ridiculous. The one Melanie is riding on spat at me the moment it saw me when we were trying to purchase them.”
“Well, you know how it goes – dogs reflect the temperaments of their owners, so it stands to reason that the same thing is probably true for camels.”
Chase reached down to gently stroke his camel’s neck. The animal underneath him let out a small huff, but continued walking anyway.
“Gods above…” Victoria managed to get out as she fanned herself. She was dripping with sweat. “I’m boiling in this thing… plate armor was a mistake…”
“You’re not the only one who’s roasting, you know,” Chase stated. “Sun’s bearing down equally on us all. You were just the one dumb enough to wear armor into the desert during the day like this.”
“Don’t remind me. And anyway, you say you’re roasting, but you’re not sweating nearly as much as I am.”
“Speak for yourself. You have no idea what the inside of my underwear looks like right now. Feels like I’m sitting in testicle soup.”
Victoria shuddered. “For the record, if you ever put that mental image in my mind ever again, I’m going to kill you in your sleep and they will never find your body.”
“Also for the record, I’d help her with that,” Carmine promised.
Chase’s brow furrowed, and he turned towards Melanie. “You’ve been awfully quiet. Everything going alright?”
Melanie blinked, then stared at him in confusion, her head tilted. “Are you seriously asking if I’m okay?”
“Yeah?” Chase tentatively replied. “I mean… I know we’ve had our ups and downs, but you’re still part of the group. I just want to make sure you’re not on the verge of jumping off a tall building or cutting your wrists or something.” He paused. “Not that it would matter if you did, because Carmine could just bring you back, but still.”
Melanie crossed her arms. “Good to know you care.”
“Hey, I’m just trying to see if you’re doing fine. No need to bite my head off for it.”
“Can you really blame me for thinking you might have an ulterior motive here, given your earlier behavior?”
“Oh, come on, you’re still mad about me revealing you like to tickle the taco in the bath? It’s not even weird, I’m pretty sure everyone does it in some capacity. Just, you know… not in the bath, and also not when there are people just outside the door who can hear you.”
“Were you going to make a point any time soon?” Melanie demanded.
“Yeah, the point is… seriously, how are you doing? Is everything okay? That goes for all of you, by the way. Because we never ask each other that question.”
Carmine blinked in surprise. “...Are you feeling okay? Because it seems like the heat may have gotten to you.”
“Oh, sure, try to do something nice for once…” Chase muttered.
Melanie sighed tiredly. “...I am doing just fine, Chase. I could use a bath, though.” She paused, her eyes widening. “...Not in that way, not in that way! I meant that I’m really sweaty and-”
“Too late, we all already thought it in our heads.”
“Damn it!”
Chase turned towards Victoria. “What about you? Doing fine?”
“Just peachy,” she deadpanned.
His brow furrowed. “...You know, I find it deeply ironic that out of everyone in this group, the Paladin is the most dour. I thought you people were supposed to be enlightened and enveloped in a sense of religious euphoria by your own moral self-righteousness, or whatever.”
“I’m not your average Paladin. Plus, you know… my Order was dissolved, so I’m kind of past the point of caring.”
“You know what? Fair.” Chase turned towards Carmine. “You?”
“I’d be doing better if I wasn’t covered in camel spit,” she growled. “But other than that, I suppose everything is okay.”
“Cool.” Chase paused, and a heavy silence fell over the group. “Now’s the part where someone asks me how I’m doing. Don’t all try it at once.”
“Are your sheets still wet?” Melanie asked.
“Not what I had in mind. But if you must know… no, they dried out within like two minutes of being out here, because it’s a fucking desert.”
Stolen from its rightful author, this tale is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings.
“We don’t need to ask to know how you’re doing, Chase,” Carmine stated. “We already know for a fact that ignorance is bliss.”
Chase rolled his eyes. “Ha-ha. Anyway, to answer your unasked questions… I’m doing fine. Could go for some good food right now, though. Maybe some booze, too. Ooh, and a maiden of the night wouldn’t hurt.”
“Now which of us is dirty?” Melanie challenged.
“Hey, at least I’d be doing it with another person as opposed to myself. That makes you dirtier than me.”
“Impossible.”
“How so?”
“I was doing it in the bath, so by definition, I was pretty clean.”
Chase stared at her in surprise. “...For once, your insane logic has actually bested me. Kudos, Melanie. I didn’t think you had it in you.”
“Well, she certainly had something in her, alright,” Carmine muttered. “Should never have turned her horniness back on, even after it saved the world...”
Melanie gave her a baleful glare. “Look, can we just ride on in peace and quiet? This trip already sucks enough as-is, I don’t need you all making it suck even harder.”
“I’m okay with that,” Victoria chimed in.
“Okay, seriously, what’s with you two?” Chase asked. “You both have been palling around pretty hard these past few days, I’ve noticed.”
“Is there something wrong with that?”
“Yeah, it’s weird as shit that the Paladin and the Lich are both becoming friends. What next, cats and dogs living together? What about elves and dwarves? Can you imagine what kind of world it’d look like if the walking beards and the bark-munchers actually stopped hating each other for five minutes and instead hugged it out or something? It’d probably knock the world off its axis.”
“Good thing it will never happen, then,” Victoria stated. “And anyway, Melanie’s mostly harmless. I’ve never seen her kill someone who didn’t deserve it. And besides that, my Order wasn’t dedicated to ridding the world of undead, anyway.”
“Remind me again, what was it dedicated to, then?”
Victoria let out a sigh of resignation. “...Having a good time, mainly.”
“And they accepted you into its ranks? Hells, I’d have more fun partying with the dead people in a cemetery than I would have partying with you.”
“I’m aware. Believe me, the circumstances of me joining the Order of the Vulgar Sun are complicated. And I’d appreciate it if we just left it at that.”
Chase’s brow furrowed, but before he could say anything, Carmine let out another disgusted groan.
“Gods damn it, not again! Fucking camels!”
The sand around them was suddenly illuminated with the glow of magic, and it took everything Chase had not to stab himself then and there.
XXX
Thankfully, they managed to convince Carmine once more not to kill the camels. It wasn’t easy, but eventually, she did see reason, which Chase was thankful for because it meant they wouldn’t be stuck walking the rest of the way, and also because the camels were hauling all their stuff, and the last thing he wanted was to abandon what few worldly possessions he owned.
Eventually, though, the city appeared on the horizon. Chase’s eyes widened in shock at the sight of it – it was absolutely enormous; buildings stretched several stories into the sky, and the entire city seemed to go on for miles upon miles, indicated by row after row of yellow brick houses that went on for as far as he could see.
“Whoa…” he breathed. “Okay, I was not expecting it to be this fancy or huge.”
“You’re telling me,” Carmine said as she came up alongside him. “I’m actually very impressed.”
“Well, what are we waiting for?” Melanie demanded. “Let’s get going, I’m ready to get out of this heat.”
Her and Victoria started riding forwards, and Chase and Carmine both followed after them. Surprisingly, there were no guards at the front gate, though Chase did see men in dark yellow armor patrolling around the city. Everywhere he looked, the Oasis looked familiar, and yet different. It had everything he would have expected a city to have – bars, places to stay, restaurants, and the like – and yet everything was so much more ornate and fancy than any of the other cities he’d been to in his life.
“Geez…” he muttered. “Seems like we might have made the right choice coming here after all. I mean, just look around – it’s busy, sure, but it’s also very peaceful.”
The moment the final word left his mouth, there was a large explosion in the distance. People instantly screamed and began running for cover as the explosive shockwave rolled over the city, echoing across the buildings like thunder. Chase froze, his eyes wide with shock. Slowly, his friends turned to look at him, deadpan expressions on their faces, and he gave them all a sheepish grin.
“Sorry,” he said.
Carmine sighed. “Alright, well… we’re here now. Do we want to investigate what just happened?”
“Not really, but something tells me if we don’t, it’ll just get worse in the end,” Melanie stated.
“You know, I hate when you’re right.” Carmine sighed. “Follow me, then. I’ll take the lead. Let’s go see what fresh hell awaits us in this brand-spanking-new location we just fucking got to, I guess.”
XXX
Name: Chase Ironheart
Level: 9
Race: Human
Class: Warrior
Subclass: Swordmaster
Strength: 20 (MAX)
Dexterity: 15
Intelligence: 10
Wisdom: 13
Constitution: 18
Charisma: 16
Skills: Master Swordsmanship (Level 10); Booby Trap Mastery (Level 8); Archery (Level 4)
Spells: Rush (Level 7); Muscle (Level 4); Stone Flesh (Level 6); Defying The Odds (Level 2)
Traits: Blessed
Name: Carmine Nolastname
Level: 9
Race: Greater Demon
Class: Arcane Witch
Subclass: Archmage
Strength: 10
Dexterity: 13
Intelligence: 19
Wisdom: 19
Constitution: 12
Charisma: 8
Skills: Master Spellcasting (Level 10); Summon Familiar (Level 10)
Spells: Magic Dart (Level 7); Magic Scattershot (Level 5); Fire Magic (Level 5)
Traits: Blessed
Name: Melanie Vhaeries
Level: 9
Race: Ascended Human
Class: Necromancer
Subclass: Arch-Lich
Strength: 8
Dexterity: 13
Intelligence: 18
Wisdom: 16
Constitution: 15
Charisma: 12
Skills: Raise Lesser Undead (Level 10); Raise Greater Undead (Level 3); Unorthodox Weapon User (Level 8)
Spells: Touch of Death (Level 5); Gravesinger (Level 7); Armor of Bone (Level 3)
Traits: None
Name: Victoria Firelight
Level: 10
Race: Human
Class: Paladin
Subclass: Devotee
Strength: 17
Dexterity: 9
Intelligence: 13
Wisdom: 13
Constitution: 19
Charisma: 11
Skills: Swordsmanship Mastery (Level 5); Blunt Weapon Mastery (Level 8); Archery Mastery (Level 5)
Spells: Holy Light (Level 6); Ward of the Gods (Level 5); Bane of the Undead (Level 7); Divine Bolt (Level 4)
Traits: None
