Craig proffered the wreath to Jonathan once more, who was once again reluctant to put it on.

  Jonathan gripped it in both hands and took a deep breath. His biggest fear the first time he donned this device was of the unknown. Now it was just the opposite. He already had a few peeks at Rex's sense of humor — or humor protocols, whatever you call it — and was worried he was in for something that would likely cause a deep enough cringe to re-open wounds.

  Craig made the same "put on the hat, you moron" hand gestures he did the first time, but this time with a good-natured smirk.

  "…At least I can type." Jonathan maturely responded, while sticking out his tongue.

  Without his internal friends, Jonathan may not have detected the small puff of air leaving Craig's nose.

  His vision was filled with film artifacts as if he was watching something made in the 1950s. Suddenly a bunch of purple and green geometric shapes appeared. Cheap synths made up the soundtrack.

  Jonathan had been absolutely floored by how perfectly Rex was able to recreate the feel of a cheesy corporate video — when the thought crossed his mind that maybe this was a product of his own mind, and that Rex was just able to tap into his thoughts to make the orientation perfect for Earthlings by literally plucking references from his memory.

  "I think he's just a weirdo looking to impress you with his knowledge of Earth stuff. I don't think he's high enough level to pick that stuff from your brain — I'm able to get at least a sense of what kind of requests he's sending your 'Pal', and it's mostly just inbound stuff." Buddy helpfully provided.

  Jonathan thought about the double-edged sword he had literally attached to his brain. The extra context was always helpful, but having answers to literally every thought might get very annoying in the long run.

  No response to that thought.

  Maybe Buddy was able to discern which questions actually needed an answer. Are rhetorical thoughts a thing? They must be, because that one didn't get an answer either. Or maybe Buddy could just read the room.

  Anyway, back to the video.

  Rex was there in all his grainy glory — sitting at a desk with nothing but an ashtray on it, sporting a large moustache, a crooked hairpiece, coke bottle glasses, and an old suit. Jonathan got the feeling that this intro was a mish-mash of references and elements from PSA videos ranging from the 50s to the 90s. He wasn't sure whether they took away from or added to the intended effect of an out-of-touch corporate tutorial.

  "Thank you for joining the crew of the Humble Beginnings. I am your Replicant Executive, or RExec for short. Or Rex for even shorter. I am not only your boss, but one of the greatest resources you have when it comes to preparing for and succeeding in the wonderful world of raiding."

  "Section One. Let's discuss your new best friend — the Passenger."

  "When you entered service, you were given a sensitive piece of company equipment. This will be a lot to take in, but the good news is that one of the many benefits a Passenger provides is better retention!"

  Rex would go on at length about what a Passenger is and what it can do, with a few demonstrated use-cases, over the course of an hour.

  Passengers were apparently nothing short of miraculous, so long as you were okay sharing your thoughts and body. Aside from personal assistant functions like calculation and inter-Passenger translation, Passengers were trained and engineered with specific roles in mind. This included not only information about the role, but improved skills and boosted physical attributes in areas important to the role.

  "As an 'Infiltrator' specialist, for example, your Passenger will assist your body in the growth and control of muscles related to fine motor control and nervous signal reduction, as well as insight, greater capacity to learn new languages, and perception of emotional state."

  Apparently these capabilities grew over time, and additional ones could come online either through purchased upgrades or through the Passenger and their host working and growing together.

  So that cemented Jonathan's role as Infiltrator.

  He was worried his Passenger was defective — Pal seemed to be a bit of a goober, and the dread of real infiltration didn't seem to be alleviated. Though he hadn't shown outward signs of a panic attack, so it must be doing something.

  You might be reading a pirated copy. Look for the official release to support the author.

  Passengers could also assist other Passengers in the same crew by offloading computational efforts. An example given was that manager or captain roles could improve crew efficiency and mental state just by being nearby.

  "Section Two: What it means to be a RAIDER…"

  A candidate for worst backronym ever appeared before Jonathan in big blocky letters.

  "The profession of a 'Retrieval of Assets from Interstellar Domains under Existential Risk' specialist, or RAIDER, is noble…"

  Jonathan couldn't help but fixate on that acronym, and once again his thoughts began to wander. Just how the hell did acronyms work when you had a giant amoeba in your head translating everything? Surely the letters and words wouldn't line up in other languages.

  In an attempt to get Jonathan to focus, Buddy provided an explanation.

  "Don't pay attention to acronyms — they're not really a thing. What you're seeing is a combination of his presentation and a complex translation meant to provide a satisfactory explanation aligning with your cultural context. Like I said, translation is complicated. Best not to think too much about it."

  Anyway, this whole section of orientation was about the "noble" act of descending on a planet like vultures, trying to grab as much as they could before getting caught or dying in the inevitable doom about to befall said planet.

  This was actually the first time Jonathan had some of his suspicions confirmed.

  Jonathan spoke up, which automatically paused the presentation.

  "What was that about recovering the lost remains of royalty again?"

  "Ah. What you experienced is something called an appeal to emotion. In truth, some minor lord somewhere probably just picked the thing from a catalog, or had an automatic order open for something from a doomed world. We really don't get that level of detail."

  "You also threatened me with violence."

  "That was an appeal to self-preservation. We have to make a lot of appeals in this line of work."

  "So you guys are nothing but glorified space pirates?"

  "A very close observation! WE are nothing but glorified space pirates. You signed a contract. Hence why we're going through all this effort. Now then, let's get back to it, shall we? We'll have plenty of time for Q&A after the presentation."

  Jonathan took a deep breath. After a second or two of silence, the presentation popped back up and resumed.

  And paused again.

  "It's just that if you'd been upfront about it, I would have had a better idea of what to get you from our world."

  Rex put his finger up as if to retort, then stopped himself. He seemed to think for a second.

  "I was right about you — you're a lot smarter than you look."

  Jonathan rolled his eyes at the compliment.

  "But I'd be remiss not to point out that we've been at this for a little while now, and knowing exactly what to say can be quite difficult. In my admittedly limited experience, honesty is not always the best policy when it comes to this kind of thing. Telling someone that their world is about to end is a surefire way to get them to panic. The next thing you know, your one and only employee is being chased off the planet by insane farmers wielding the local equivalent of pitchforks and flamethrowers."

  This confirmed another nagging suspicion.

  "So it really is just you two then."

  "It really WAS just us, yes. We had some additional help not too long ago, but that… didn't work out. Anyway, let's get back to the presentation."

  Section Two continued for a while longer, touching on job selection. Apparently there were all sorts of different jobs — pay was usually commensurate with difficulty, and some were gated behind rating and equipment minimums.

  It glossed over many job types, most of which were fairly straightforward. Delicacy, Hunter, Collector, Librarian, VIP…

  There was one called "Experiential" which required the use of advanced sensory transmitting equipment. The associated slideshow tried to play it off as thrill-seeking — skydiving, that sort of thing — but it was pretty easy to read between the lines what this one was really for.

  One that caught Jonathan's attention was the "Competition" type.

  "The whole world is a stage! Anything from 1-on-1 combat in the most scenic of locales to planet-wide talent shows — these games offer entertainment across the universe and can potentially include raiders and local citizens alike!"

  Rex paused at this point, looking somewhat sheepish.

  "It's our belief that the gentleman who nearly killed you was partaking in one of these competitions — a combat-oriented one called The Mountain. He had been a tourist fare we picked up for some extra credits. We had no idea what he was doing on planet, and he ended up endangering the mission quite a bit, so we likely won't be taking on another one any time soon."

  The section continued until finally it was time for Section Three.

  "Section Three: The Vessel of a RAIDER."

  "Raiders rely on sturdy purpose-built vessels to get them to and from their destinations. These vessels come equipped with standard and gate propulsion systems, as well as support infrastructure for biological crew such as sleeping pods, food synthesis, and waste recycling."

  "This particular vessel is also equipped with numerous flex slots to allow for expansion of the ship's functionality and overall capacity. These slots allow for modular upgrades of the ship's systems and can vary heavily from vessel to vessel depending on operational requirements and crew specialization."

  The video cut to a cross-section diagram of a ship, cheerfully highlighting different colored sections.

  "Standard configuration includes eight flex slots for mission-critical modules. Common module installations include: medical bay with stasis pods and surgical capabilities, armory for personal and ship defense systems, advanced workshops for artifact analysis and repair, a galley for advanced nutritional preparation, recreation facilities, and more! Modules are available through authorized dealers to suit your specific operational needs!"

  The camera panned through a pristine, fully-equipped vessel with a diverse and happy-looking crew moving efficiently through their duties.

  The presentation continued through several more sections covering standard operating procedures, emergency protocols, and legal compliance requirements before finally wrapping up.

  "Alright! So that was the orientation. What do you say we stretch our appendages and do a little tour of the ship?"