Sleep is the most beautiful way to escape reality—the simplest and natural way to get away from your day-to-day problems. My little brother described sleep to me this way once. He talks about sleep like it's the lover he could never have... at this moment, I feel a fraction of his affection for a slumber that never came.

  I am not sure how long I lay tossing and turning in this unfamiliar bed. I do know it's been a while, the sun is no longer shining and bouncing around in my new room.

  I lay here thinking and thinking. I think about many things... like how I used to be able to knock out without trouble, or when I didn't have to worry about this curse of a body. Ever since I awakened, I managed a way to live with it.

  Not on my own... I know that. My body, my mind, we know that.

  Lilas and... his magic. He's always been helping me.

  A spell tailored to suit his body and needs and then altered for my use. He made changes to the spell a few times over the years, but it was never perfect. The changes that he made made it easier to suppress my 2nd gender, but it also caused my body strain. If I told him, he would've made changes that wouldn't let me hide what needed to be hidden.

  My body, ever since the last spell change, has been constantly running a fever. A very slight one, not too high that I wouldn't be able to function day to day, but still...I can't overexert myself. That day at the training grounds was stupid. I shouldn't have put my body through that.

  I expedited my timeline. When my temperature rises even by a few degrees, it means my body is trying to enter heat. For the past 3 days. I've been trying my best to resist my own body. But I can't ignore it anymore.

  My body wants to give in...it craves something my mind doesn't want.

  Sitting up, I let the bedsheets slip off. I look around the room in a daze.

  I am in the worst place I can be. Both mentally and physically.

  I'm stuck in the house with my childhood friends for a month.

  How much worse can this situation get?

  Sighing, I grabbed a box and clutched it to my chest. Staying here meant I had to make preparations. I ask my brother to bring me something.

  A Magical Rune. One that Lilas made just in case...

  I only get 3 uses out of it until I have to ask Lilas to recharge it.

  I really don't want to ask...when things are like this. When everything is so complicated.

  I've only had to use this device once... I never had to rely on it.

  Lilas usually helped me. Now, it feels like it would be wrong to ask him to help me when...things are like this... when I am like this. It's not fair to him.

  Did you know this story is from Royal Road? Read the official version for free and support the author.

  Now that I know how he feels, it would be selfish to ask that of him.

  Despite what he did, I still care. I hate that I care about his stupid feelings, his smile, and his wants.

  I should get out of bed. I need to get some fresh air. I need to clear my head. But I don't want to move.

  I want to escape from reality and barrow myself into a deep and wonderful sleep.

  But I can't.

  I can't stop what's happening around me.

  I need to face it.

  Slowly, I step out of bed. I placed my foot on the cold wooden ground and waited for it to swallow me up.

  Seconds passed, and nothing happened.

  Hesitantly, I made my way out of the bedroom, and that's when I heard two faint voices downstairs.

  I creep slowly up the staircase.

  The muffled conversation turned into a clear, distinct one. I inch slowly down the stairs until I can see Lilas and Aalackai talking. Aalackai, back is to the staircase, and Lilas's body is facing the staircase, head turned away. If moved his head slightly, he would have had a clear view of me from where he stood.

  Did Aalackai just get back? This late? Should I go back to my room and wait for them to be done...or should I join them?

  "You know you're an asshole, right?" Aalackai said with no hint of amusement in his voice. He stood rigid a few inches apart from Lilas.

  "Weird way to start a conversation after giving me the cold shoulder for the past 3 days."

  "You're right, but it's the truth. You know it, I know it, and Kitayaan for sure knows it... I'm surprised she can stomach the sight of you. I'm honestly amazed how she can tolerate your presence within her vicinity. If I were her..." Aalackai traces off and gives Lilas a pointed stare.

  "You're not her. So, get to your point. We have plenty of things we can talk about."

  "Aw, is the little crown prince afraid to acknowledge his actions? Is he scared to recognize that he fucked up majorly?"

  Lilas stayed quiet at that.

  "You know—" Aalackai started before he was cut off by Lilas.

  "I don't know, actually, so please fucking enlighten me, Aalackai."

  "I was just about to before you interrupted me," Aalackai took a deep, steady breath, "...I actually don't know where to start. I wasn't going to bring up past grievances, but why not? Maybe if I do, maybe you'll feel an ounce of how I felt that night? Just maybe you'll feel how soul-crushing your actions are."

  "Kai I—"

  "No, don't give me your false apologies. When I know for a fact, you don't regret your actions, you don't regret what you did that night. Kitayana told me already! You're sorry that it didn't turn out as you planned." His voice started to shake, "There's so much I want to say to you that it actually hurts to breathe. It's fucking ridiculous."

  Aalackai sounded like he was about to cry if he wasn't already...

  "Then you know my reason?" Lilas says in shock.

  Aalackai looked away and ran his arm against his face.

  "Does it discuss you so much that you have to cry about it?" Lilas says in disbelief.

  Aalackai turns to face him, and I can only assume in confusion...

  "What are you talking about?"

  "She told you, right? My reason...then you know why I did what I did. I like you both!"

  It was quiet before anyone said anything, and for a long while, I could only hear the sounds of my heartbeat thundering.

  "You really are a dumbass." Aalackai throws his hand back and laughs. He laughs until he's on the ground, crying in tears.

  I'm not sure if the tears are of joy or pain.

  "Hey, why are you laughing? Are my feelings a joke to you?"

  Slowly, Aalackai regained his composure and lay on the floor.

  "Oh, I really have my hands full. You sure know how to flip the tables... this was finally my chance to list out my grievance, and you dropped this on me?"

  "What are you talking about? You said she told you!" Lilas shouted as he flushed bright red.

  "She's not you, idiot. She never told me your secret," Aalackai stood up slowly. "She only told me you had a reason for what you did, and told me once I found out, I would think you're stupid."

  "What—"

  "Currently, I truly believe in my heart of hearts that you are absolutely fucking stupid."

  "What..."

  "Dumbass."

  With that, Aalackai walked away and made his way outdoors.

  Lilas stood there completely dumbstruck.

  I guess this is as good a time as any...to kick a man who's already down.