It was a mundane start to the day. Robert felt like a zombie in the morning. He shaved, brushed his teeth, got dressed, and made his way into work, a cup of coffee in one hand, Beef in the other. He spotted Blazer on the way in and overheard her say she didn’t regret something, but he wasn’t sure specifically what. He moved on without listening further.

  At his desk, he dropped his pack, took a sip of coffee, and logged into his computer with the other hand, already starting to feel more awake.

  As soon as his computer unlocked, his screen was flooded by pop-up after pop-up of extremely explicit pornography. Robert spit out his coffee and scrambled to get rid of the pop-ups as extremely loud moans blared out of his computer speakers for the entire office to hear. He finally got all the windows closed and ran a hand over his head, letting out a heavy sigh. Everyone in the office was looking at him and he just sheepishly waved at them.

  Then he noticed Flambae and Prism laughing at him from over by the leaderboard. Right next to them, Punch Up was glaring at Robert. His arms were crossed, and he was not laughing.

  “Coop was a friend of his,” Chase said from his cubicle. “They used to date.”

  Robert took a deep breath and sat down.

  “My last girlfriend was taller than me,” Chase continued. “She used to kiss me on the forehead a lot. It was nice. What were we talkin’ about? Oh, right. Watch out for that salty little nutcracking motherfucker. The problem with only cutting one of ‘em is now you gotta deal with their pissy friends poisoning the rest of the team.”

  Robert let out a dry laugh. “Yeah, well, if they keep it up, they’ll join ‘em.”

  “Exactly how I feel,” Chase said. “That’s why I woulda cut ‘em all. Starting with that asshole.” He glared past Robert.

  When Robert looked, Invisigal was over by a copy machine glaring daggers at both of them.

  “Why’s she staring at you?” Chase asked. Then he yelled over to her, “Don’t you got some work to do?”

  “Don’t you got some dementia to onset?” Visi shot back. She aggressively grabbed her papers off the copier and stormed away.

  “Aight,” Chase squeaked, “that one stung a little. Hey, Blazer’s looking at backfilling your open spot with Phenomaman or Waterboy. You should think about who you’d want.”

  “Uh, one of them is the posterboy of SDN and the other guy pukes water,” Robert said flatly. “What am I missing?”

  Chase nodded toward the TV across the office. An aerial news broadcast was showing a live feed of a depressed Phenomaman slowly wandering down a freeway, weakly threatening to punch passing cars and backing up traffic.

  “Shit,” Robert breathed. “He looks rough.”

  Waterboy threw up water on the TV they were watching and began wiping it with a mop, prompting complaints from the office workers. He apologized, then swapped the mop for a paper towel, which he had to repeatedly jump up to wipe the TV with. As the news anchor was speculating if Phenomaman was depressed or suicidal, Waterboy’s paper towel got stuck to the center of the TV, completely obscuring the view.

  “Looks like there’s no wrong answer,” Robert muttered.

  “Sometimes it’s more about the person than the powers,” Chase noted. “And good thing, too, cuz it’s the only reason anyone gave your sorry ass a job.” He popped back down into his cubicle, laughing.

  “Alright,” Robert scratched Beef’s ears. “It wasn’t that funny.”

  “Proto-Pulse test seven,” Robert said. “Pilot ready. We good out there?”

  Royd gave him a thumbs up.

  “You can talk,” Robert said. “I can hear you.”

  “Oh,” Royd gave another thumbs up. “We good. All you, Mecha Man.”

  Robert ran a systems check and everything looked good. He tested simple locomotion—all good. Complex locomotion—he moved the mech into a fighting stance.

  “Levels are stable,” Royd said. We on to something, brah. This is it.”

  Robert threw some punches, shadowboxing in place with his mech.

  “In da supah heavyweight division,” Royd chanted, “da Mecha Man!”

  “And the crowd goes mild,” Robert said flatly.

  Alert rang out, flashing red, and the mech seized up, falling over on its back. Robert struggled with the Proto-Pulse chamber but managed to pull it out, opening the cockpit up. Royd appeared holding a fire extinguisher.

  “Proto-Pulse test seven: failure,” Robert sighed.

  “No worries,” Royd said. “We’ll get der.”

  A small spark went off next to Robert’s head and Royd blasted the entire cockpit with the fire extinguisher.

  Once they got him out of the mech, Robert reviewed a bunch of blueprints Royd had. “Royd, what is all this stuff?”

  “Whole network expect me to process all dey confiscated stuffs,” Royd said, moving some mech parts around. “Cus we da bottom branch fo SDN, we catch all kine shit work brah.”

  Invisigal suddenly appeared behind Robert, her arms crossed. She was staring at his backside intensely. Her eyes dropped, then came back up.

  “Did you just give me an updown?” Robert asked.

  Royd walked in between them. “We take one bad guy stuffs and use dem for catch uddah bad guy. Only good ting… lotta upgrade possibilities.” He activated the hologram of the new mech suit.

  Invisigal had moved over to look at the new physical suit itself, and she yelled, “You ever jerk off in this thing?”

  “You lolo, Visi,” Royd muttered.

  “I mean, obviously you have,” Visi continued. “I should be asking how often.”

  “All the time actually,” Robert joked. “I like to bust after every bust, and I was pretty successful, so… you can imagine.”

  She turned back to look at him. “Sounds like… loads of fun.”

  They locked eyes and glared at each other.

  Royd looked back and forth between them. “Ay, you two got one weird energy going on, huh? Can you hand dis HR violation some uda place? I got work, yeah?”

  “Robert was just leaving,” Visi said, walking closer.

  “I can do this all day,” Robert growled, not breaking eye contact.

  “That’s gonna be tough,” Visi challenged. “Cus Blazer sent me to come get you like… half an hour ago, so…”

  ***

  Robert held the glare down a few seconds longer, then finally gave in and walked away. He could feel her eyes on him the entire way out of the room. He quickly made his way to the elevator and boarded it, but he’d made it no more than two floors up when it stopped like someone had hit the emergency button.

  “Oh, what now?” Robert muttered, looking around.

  A portal opened in the elevator wall and Malevola stepped through. She leaned against the adjoining wall as the portal closed and just watched him without speaking.

  “Hey…” Robert said, furrowing his brow. He glanced back at the controls for a second. “Did you stop the elevator?”

  “Coop and Sonar were tied,” she said, ignoring his question. “But you kept Sonar.”

  Robert faced her fully. “I did. Seemed like the right move. Would you prefer I hadn’t? I thought you two were close.”

  “Yeah, we’re friends,” her head tilted a little. “I try to look out for him since he has trouble looking out for himself.”

  “Right,” Robert said carefully. “Your soft spot for broken little, displaced things.”

  “What’s that have to do with anything?” she asked.

  He crossed his arms and studied her. “It was piss off you or piss off Punch Up. I’d rather wear a jock strap than have to watch for random portals tripping me up all day.”

  “You think I’m that petty?”

  “No, not really,” he shrugged. “Punch Up is angry, but he and Coop are used to working alone. They’ll be fine. You and Sonar though?”

  “So what?” She pushed off the wall and took a step toward him. “You saying if you had cut Sonar that I would just fall apart?”

  “No,” Robert said, countering her challenge by taking a step closer as well. “But the decision was a gamble. Of the two outcomes…” he narrowed his eyes at her. “I needed you at 100% more than him.”

  That caught her off guard and she recoiled a little. “Why?”

  “Isn’t it obvious?” Robert asked. “You’re skilled. Capable. Not that Punch Up isn’t, but he tends to, well—punch his way through problems. You tend to at least think your way through before you start swinging that sword.”

  Malevola leaned back against the opposite wall again. Even without pupils, he could tell her yellow eyes dropped down for a second, then came back up. She made a face like, ‘not bad,’ and said, “You’re not wearing a jock strap.”

  Robert cocked an eyebrow and muttered, “First Visi, now you?”

  A portal opened in the same spot as the first. She chuckled and moved toward it, her eyes lingering on him right up until she passed out of sight. A couple seconds later, the elevator started moving again.

  ***

  He rushed out of the elevator and opened the door to Blonde Blazer’s office as soon as he got there. She was in the middle of putting on a fancy, blue dress.

  “Shit, Blazer,” he stammered, closing his eyes. “Sorry, umm, you know what I can come back.”

  “Oh, no don’t worry,” Blazer said. “I got this… thing tonight and they were supposed to send the dress yesterday—this isn’t why you’re here, but can you zip me up?” She turned her back to him and held her hair out of the way. “It’s not mine by the way. They make me wear it and then it’s back in the back by midnight.”

  He moved closer to her, spying the unzipped back of her dress. “What is happening today…” he muttered to himself.

  “Hmm? What’s that?”

  “What’s happening today?” He said clearer. “The thing you’re going to.”

  “SDN’s sponsoring a dinner, gala thing,” she said. “Radiant Valor: A Night of Triumph.”

  “Why does that sound like a propaganda rally?” Robert asked, zipping her dress up. “There.”

  “Thank you,” she turned around. “Yeah, it does sorta sound like some fascist themed prom.” She adjusted the dress and asked, “What do you think?”

  “No cause for alarm,” Robert said, “but a little bit of your areola is out. It’s like a slight hue shift.”

  “Oh,” she looked down and adjusted it. “I don’t think I’ve ever heard someone say ‘areola’ out loud before.”

  “It doesn’t come up a ton, no.”

  She moved past him as he sat down and she struck a slight pose. “For real now, how do I look? The breakup story is out so I might be getting more attention than I’m comfortable with.”

  “You look fully tucked in, which I think we can both agree, is the most important thing.”

  “Yeah, better it happen here than on the red carpet,” she leaned against her desk.

  “A lot less photos, yeah.”

  “I was supposed to be going with him,” she nodded toward the window while putting on her earrings. “But I don’t think he’s gonna be making it.”

  Robert approached the window to see Phenomaman laying on his back on the hood of a car. The entire front of the car was caved in and the windshield was smashed.

  “The downtown branch dropped him,” Blazer said. “Indefinite suspension.”

  “Is that your car?” Robert asked.

  “I don’t have a car.”

  “That’s gonna be a weird insurance claim.”

  “I’d like for you to talk to him,” she moved up next to him.

  “Me? Why me?”

  “You’re the pep talk guy,” she shrugged. “You’ve been through a transition recently yourself, I think he could use some perspective.”

  “Like perspective to join the Z-Team?” Robert asked. “Chase mentioned it.”

  “Yeah,” she admitted. “The only candidates that make sense are him or Waterboy. And at the moment…” she looked back out the window. “It’s close. Mostly, I’d like you to get him out of the parking lot…”

  She looked back at Robert, “Oh and tell him to stop with the Edible Arrangements. He keeps sending them, but with all melon?”

  “That’s disgusting,” Robert said and turned toward the door. “I’ll see what I can do.”

  It was sunny out in the parking lot as Robert approached Phenomaman. He looked like shit. His mustache had grown out to full mutton chops and his eyes were bloodshot to hell.

  “Heya, Phenomaman,” Robert said in an upbeat tone as he got close. “How ya doin’ bud?”

  “I have been better, Robert Robertson,” he answered, still staring at the sky. “The Blonde Blazer and I have ended our relationship.”

  “Yeah, I heard about that,” Robert said. “I’m sorry for your… y’know, your loss.”

  “It was very abrupt,” Phenomaman said. “One moment we were savoring uni straight from the urchin, the next moment… I’m contemplating flying into the sun, absorbing all its energy and casting this planet into infinite darkness so that I never have to see her or anyone else ever again… Maybe then I would be free of the torment in my soul.”

  “I’ve been there,” Robert consoled him. “Last time I went through a breakup I drank mezcal ‘til I blacked out. When I came to, I was in a dark void surrounded by the smell of rot and I was convinced I’d died and turned into a zombie. Turns out I passed out at a urinal and somebody threw me in a dumpster.”

  “Thank you for sharing that,” Phenomaman said. “You are sad enough to understand.”

  After a moment, his eyes got wider and he sat bolt upright so quickly that tiny pieces of glass went flying. “Do you think there is someone else? Perhaps another lover could be the cause of all of this? Maybe she met a person. An actual person. I am not a person, I just resemble one anatomically.”

  “Look, Phenomaman,” Robert sighed. “I’m only telling you this because I don’t want you hearing it from someone else… I kissed Blazer.”

  This content has been unlawfully taken from Royal Road; report any instances of this story if found elsewhere.

  It took a moment for him to register what Robert had said. Then his eyes grew wide and he looked right at him.

  “Before you incinerate me,” Robert said, “it’s worth noting I had no idea she was in a relationship.”

  “This happened while we were together?” Phenomaman asked in a broken voice. “It just gets worse.”

  “No, hold on. She didn’t kiss me. She didn’t do anything wrong. I kissed her.”

  “So, you are to blame for my sadness?”

  “Maybe, but I doubt it,” Robert shrugged. “I’d guess this is something she was thinking about for a while. I’m not that good of a kisser.”

  Phenomaman stood abruptly, towering over a foot taller than Robert, and he placed a massive hand on each of Robert’s upper arms. He lifted Robert straight off the ground and pulled him into a brief kiss, then broke away and looked like he was analyzing.

  “I now believe that you had nothing to do with our breakup.” Phenomaman released Robert and let him drop back to the ground, then placed a hand on his shoulder.

  All Robert could do was offer an awkward smile back.

  “It seems the velocity with which I sat up has shot shards of glass into your chest,” Phenomaman observed.

  “Oh, shit,” Robert looked down at his blue shirt slowly turning red in a dozen tiny places.

  Phenomaman crouched like he was about to launch into the air. Robert braced. But then Phenomaman just stood up, hung his head, and moped away.

  Robert went back inside and headed for the men’s bathroom, where he spent at least twenty minutes picking glass out of his chest with tweezers. He was halfway through when Invisigal popped out of thin air behind him and asked, “Where was the shootout?”

  “Parking lot,” he answered, dropping another tiny chunk of glass. “Didn’t think taking a desk job would have me bleeding this often.”

  She hopped up to sit on the sink next to him.

  “What are you doing here?” he asked.

  She leaned back on her hands. “I had a dream last night that we were fucking. Usually don’t remember my dreams, but this one was pretty vivid.”

  Robert pulled another shard of glass out. “Was it the one where I have a big dick in it?”

  “Yeah, actually you did,” she laughed.

  “I have that one too.” He wiped the blood off his chest and added, “So this is why you’ve been acting weird all day.”

  She nodded. “I’m doing that thing where I imagine being with someone, you know? See how it feels, how it looks. You know,” she shot him a sly smirk, “like trying on a dress…”

  He just sighed. “You were there.”

  “I could’ve been,” she shrugged and hopped off the sink. She got right in his face and added, “I could be anywhere.”

  They stared at each other for several long seconds before the silence was split by the disgusting sound of someone shitting their brains out in one of the stalls.

  “And you chose to be here,” Robert said flatly.

  “Sorry,” Waterboy’s voice rang out from the stall. “I’m—I tried. I tried not to do that.”

  “Don’t worry about it, Waterboy,” Robert called out without breaking eye contact. Then he told Visi, “Bathrooms are for shitting after your first coffee and picking shrapnel out of your chest. Not for…” he shrugged, “whatever this is.”

  Her expression finally broke into anger and she growled at Waterboy’s stall, “You ruined this for me!” Then she stormed out.

  “It’s—I know. I know,” Waterboy said meekly. More noise rang out from the stall and he said, “My apologies.”

  Back at his desk, Robert realized he was staring vacantly at his coffee and couldn’t remember how long he’d been zoned out. He looked at the sandwich next to him, then heard squeaking next to him, and looked down to see a smiling Beef.

  Robert pulled a piece of bologna off the sandwich, gave it to the dog, and scratched his ears. “You’re a menace.”

  Then he put his headset on and logged in to start the shift.

  “It’s weird that Coop’s gone,” Sonar said.

  “Glad you made the cut though, dude,” Malevola said casually. “Imagine if it was Coop and Visi together.”

  Sonar immediately responded, “I imagine Coop and Visi all the time.”

  The first call that came in was to help move stuff out of a dorm. Robert sent Punch Up.

  Then Blazer said she’d been hearing a lot about some guy named Chad. Robert asked about the cult of Chad, and Malevola corrected, “Ch’aad, yeah.” She said she knew where their church was so she said she could go snoop around. Robert sent Sonar with her just to be safe. Good thing, too, because he ended up looking into their tax filings and found out the church was up to no good.

  An urgent call came in from a woman saying a guy drove into the water right in front of her. Flambae could fly, so Robert sent him. He got the driver out of the car but he was unconscious, so Robert told him to fly him to the hospital.

  “Way ahead of you, Bobert,” Flambae said.

  Then there was a brawl at a football game—Robert dispatched Invisigal, Prism, and Golem to take care of it.

  “Robert,” Sonar spoke up. “Do you have eyes on my stapler? I think I left it at your desk.”

  “Nope, I don’t see it,” Robert answered immediately.

  “I feel like you didn’t look.”

  “I did. It took like two seconds, I didn’t see it.”

  “Can you look again?”

  “Yep,” Robert said. “Still don’t see it dude.”

  “Shit.”

  “Why do you need it?” Robert asked. “You’re in the field.”

  “I just wanna make sure it’s there,” Sonar answered. “It’s a nice stapler.”

  A call came in from the same guys that Punch Up helped move out of their dorm, but this time asking to help move everything into their new place. Robert sent bat-monster Sonar and Malevola.

  Then there was a call about a box of games getting dropped off at a store along with a note that said there was a bomb in one of them. He sent Flambae to check it out. He found it and incinerated both the bomb and the game.

  A call came in about a jiu-jitsu class needing a substitute teacher. Robert sent Invisigal and Golem. A tip came in about Coupé’s old crew being in town and Prism said, “Oh shit, Coop switching up on us?”

  “Shut yer hole!” Punch Up yelled back at her.

  “Everyone calm down,” Robert said, “I’m sure it’s just an unfortunate coincidence.”

  “You’re an unfortunate coincidence,” Punch Up spat.

  Robert sent Flambae and Prism to check it out.

  A call came in from a builder asking for help with a demolition job. Robert sent Punch Up and Malevola. After they finished, Punch Up said he was done for the day because he needed to go check on Coop. He didn’t really phrase it like a request.

  Blazer said she would be in the gym if anyone needed additional training. Sounded like a good time to send Sonar. There was a call about some youths looting at a mall—Robert sent Flambae. He sent Visi and Prism to mediate a squabble between superheroes in a shopping center, then sent Malevola and Golem to check out a bomb threat in a movie theater.

  “Robert, you were the last one to see my stapler,” Sonar randomly said.

  “Was I?” Robert asked. “I don’t think that’s true.”

  “You’re the prime suspect,” Sonar said.

  “Why would I need to steal your stapler? I already have a stapler.”

  “So what you’re saying is you now have two staplers.”

  Someone called in asking for help assembling furniture. Robert sent Sonar.

  Then someone needed a dog walked that apparently pulled really hard. Invisigal and Prism were available, so Robert sent them. On the way there, Invisigal said she passed Phenomaman who had gone from shaking his fist at cars angrily to sadly directing traffic.

  “Well, at least he’s putting his newfound pain to use?” Robert offered optimistically.

  “I had no idea Blazer was such a heartbreaker,” Invisigal said.

  “Is that surprising?” Robert asked.

  “I’m just impressed. Didn’t think she had it in her.”

  “Maybe you shouldn’t be so quick to judge people,” Robert said.

  “Gross,” Invisigal groaned. “You sound just like her.”

  “You calling me a heartbreaker?”

  “In your dreams,” she said.

  “Robert, I found my stapler,” Sonar said.

  “Where was it?”

  “I left it in a locker at the gym.”

  “I have a lot of follow up questions,” Robert said. “But I don’t care about the answers.”

  In the break room, Robert munched on his lunch while absently staring at an all-melon edible arrangement.

  Waterboy came in on his janitor rounds and started clearing out old food from the refrigerator. “S-still working on that?” He asked, pointing to the melons.

  “Hmm?” Robert snapped out of his thousand yard stare.

  “Aren’t these the best?” Waterboy asked. “I love the green ones, the green dew.”

  “All yours,” Robert told him. “Take the whole thing if you want.”

  “Awesom—my lucky day,” Waterboy stuttered, grabbing the entire arrangement. “I know what’s for lunch—or dinner, probably. Now.”

  Flambae entered the room and made his way over to the fridge. “Oh goddamnit,” he rounded on Waterboy. “You threw my noodles away? My initials were literally on the box and everything. Fuck!”

  “I—I, I don’t read things,” Waterboy stammered. “Sometimes it’s different.” He started pulling things out of the trash can on his cart. He pulled out a box of noodles and said, “It’s probably still good—”

  “I don’t—want the—fucking trash noodles,” Flambae mocked. “Wetfartboy.” He slapped the box of noodles out of his hand, covering Waterboy in the old food.

  “Woah,” Robert spoke up. “What are you doing?”

  “Whatever, it was an accident” Flambae shrugged with an attitude. Then he looked at Waterboy and said, “Just aim your dick up and water piss it off.”

  “Th—that’s not—you—I’m,” Waterboy finally just let out a defeated sigh. “I’m gonna go rinse off.”

  As he left, Robert approached Flambae, who was now rifling through the fridge looking for food to steal. “How would you like to walk around work the rest of the day with shit all over you?”

  “I don’t know,” Flambae looked back over his shoulder. “I don’t think about that cause it won’t happen. Cause I’m not a fuckin’ idiot food thrower awayer.”

  “It was an accident,” Robert said. “You don’t have to be a bully about it. You want this in your report?”

  “What are you gonna snitch on me?” Flambae smirked. He turned to leave the breakroom, muttering “This motherfucker,” and a bunch of other unintelligible words. He got to the door and turned back, saying, “You’re just being a soft bitch about—”

  Robert picked up a box of spaghetti that Waterboy had retrieved from the trash. He threw it just as Flambae turned back, and the old food exploded all over him. As he was spitting noodles out of his mouth, Robert laughed and said, “Oh wow, I wasn’t expecting it to go straight.”

  Flambae started shaking as his temper began to boil, and flames crawled up his hands as he started yelling, “You’re going to choke on this fucking—”

  “Hey, Robert, could you—” Blonde Blazer walked in and paused, looking at Flambae, whose flames extinguished when he heard her voice. “Did you eat my lunch? Why would you do that?”

  “Uh, I don’t wanna be a snitch,” Robert said with a grin, “but Flambae was really hungry. I mean, look at him.”

  “Really?” Blazer asked.

  Flambae’s head was slightly shaking, and he forced out a dry, “Yes.”

  “Well,” Blazer said, “if you’re gonna eat it, I wish more of it got in your mouth. Go get cleaned up. Then, clean this up. Then, pick me up a BLT from Johnny’s and we’ll call it even.”

  Flambae finally stood straight and let out another, “Yes,” with a forced smile as he backed from the room. He never took his eyes off Robert the entire time he was leaving.

  Blazer watched him go then turned back to Robert and said, “Oookay. Whatever that was. Listen, Rob—urt,” she slipped on the spaghetti and exclaimed, “Jesus. Anyway, you talked to Chase. Who’s it gonna be? Phenomaman or Waterboy?”

  Robert walked over to the sink to wash his hands. “And these two are my only options?”

  “For now, yeah,” Blazer answered. “Obviously we can revisit it but Waterboy is already a trainee, sorta, and you already know Phenomaman got cut by DTLA.” She leaned against the counter next to Robert. “Thanks for getting him out of the parking lot, by the way. It might also help to get, you know, an actual good person on your team, which I’m positive both of them are… they just have other issues…”

  Robert finished washing his hands and turned to face her. “Let’s go with Waterboy. I think he deserves a shot, and he seems, shockingly, more stable than Phenomaman at the moment.”

  “I hear ya,” Blazer said. “Uhm, I might have him take care of this mess before he starts but, yeah. Let’s go with it. I’ll let him know. He really looks up to you.”

  “Does he look up to me?” Robert asked. “Wait, does he know I’m Mecha Man?”

  “Yeah… but he said he won’t tell anyone.”

  “I guess that’s good,” Robert muttered.

  “I’ll let him know,” Blazer turned to leave. “You’ll see him in the roster for your next dispatch.”

  Robert decided to grab a shower down in the locker room and he found Waterboy standing under running water with noodles clustered around his feet.

  “H-hey,” he said as Robert approached. “I leave—it’s not, my clothes are waterproof… ish.” He was indeed still fully clothed.

  “Yeah, that’s gonna clog,” Robert sighed, observing the noodles in the drain.

  “No. No, I do this—see?” Waterboy started timidly stomping the noodles to try forcing them through the grate.

  “Didn’t realize you had a plan,” Robert said.

  “Blond—Miss Blaze, she talked to me—thanks for picking me,” Waterboy stammered, still stomping noodles. “My—I’m really—jizzed to join you.”

  “Jazzed,” Robert corrected. “The word is jazzed. And we’re jazzed to have you too, bud.” He gave Waterboy’s shoulder a reassuring slap as he walked by and got some wet noodles stuck to his hand. Then he muttered to himself, “I’m even reasonably optimistic that you deserve it.”

  Robert shook the noodles off his hand and called after Waterboy, “See you next shift.”

  After the lunch break was over, Robert sat back down at his desk and slid his headset on. Once everything was booted up, Blazer came on the comms and told everyone, “Hey team! We appreciate you doing your best last shift under the circumstances, but we are here to help! More specifically… Waterboy is here to help.”

  The new addition popped onto Robert’s roster, introducing himself simply with, “Sup.”

  “Excuse me?” Malevola asked.

  “A’int no way,” Prism added.

  “He may be new to this,” Blazer said, “but Robert and I believe he will make a great addition to the team.”

  “This is bullshit,” Punch Up shot back. That wasn’t surprising.

  “Good… good morn—eve—H-hello,” Waterboy stammered.

  Invisigal asked, “This is a joke, right?”

  “I don’t,” Waterboy started. “Wait… maybe? Is it a joke?”

  “No, Waterboy, it is not a joke,” Blazer said.

  “Oh. C-cool…io.”

  The first call came in about a possible assassination attempt being planned on Mr. Vanderstenk. To cover all the bases, Robert dispatched Flambae, Invisigal, and Golem. He also sent Waterboy along to get him some hands-on experience with some actual hero work. That may or may not have been a mistake because Waterboy got so nervous on the way there that he made a puddle that Flambae slipped on and injured himself.

  Blazer said she had some time for additional training so Robert sent over Prism. After she was done, Florida-Man Galen said he needed help recruiting subscribers for SDN, so Robert sent Prism over. Then a TV show wanted an ex-criminal from SDN to go on a dating show, so Robert sent Malevola.

  “Hey, if you were a civvie,” Flambae said, “what would your job be?”

  Malevola answered en route to the TV studio, “I feel like working at a gas station would be pretty chill.”

  “I’d fuck with a pet store,” Prism said.

  “Yeah right, you hate pets,” Flambae responded.

  “I hate pets with bad attitudes,” she retorted.

  “What pets have good attitudes?” Malevola asked.

  “Snakes,” Prism said simply. “They’re just chilling.”

  “That is true,” Flambae said. “Every snake is chill.”

  “I—I don’t m-mind being a j-janitor,” Waterboy stammered, “but I always wanted to be a h-h-hero…”

  “Oh, he’s got jokes,” Golem rumbled.

  “Don’t quit your day job, kid,” Punch Up added.

  “Th-this is my… job… day job…”

  “Listen, you tried and you suck,” Flambae told him. “It happens. The important thing is you suck. And you know it now.”

  ***

  Malevola ended up making everyone at the dating show fall in love with her—just like Robert expected she would.

  ***

  A call came in from the local football stadium requesting a hero for their mascot to fake fight during the halftime show. Robert sent Golem and Waterboy. Then Galen said they’ve tracked down the assassin’s temporary base of operations and they needed Robert to hack in. He got it done and found out the assassins were after Coop.

  Punch Up just said, “They can try. Fuck those arseholes.”

  “Can you give her a heads up or something?” Robert asked.

  He said, “Way ahead of you, Bob.”

  Robert sent Invisigal and Prism to take down the assassins.

  When Golem got back to base, he muttered, “Oh great, another puddle.”

  “Water bitch almost took me out back there!” Flambae said.

  Prism added, “Is there a return policy on this motherfucker?”

  “Yeah, maybe we get somebody who doesn’t suck instead?” Flambae asked.

  “Mm-my, uh—sorry, f-for the puddles,” Waterboy said. It’s i-involuntary.”

  “Ease up, it’s his first day,” Robert said.

  “Can it be his last day, too?” Punch Up asked.

  “Well, if he’s so awful, show him the ropes,” Robert offered.

  “Some things you just can’t teach,” Punch Up responded.

  “Sounds like quitting talk to me,” Robert said.

  “You calling us quitters?” Flambae asked.

  “Prove me wrong.”

  Next, there was a call about a baby kaiju on the beach. Robert sent Golem to check it out, and he ended up adopting the damn thing, but not before contemplating if he himself might be a kaiju. A call came in about meeting the handler for an assassination organization. Robert dispatched Sonar and Punch Up.

  Then some asshole called “The Brainteaser” called in and said he wanted to play a game, offering to turn himself in if they won. Robert sent Waterboy to check it out while answering the riddles, and then Brainteaser honored the deal, saying he’d been waiting in the lobby for at least thirty minutes.

  The last call of the shift was from Dopple at the Crypto Night bar saying a retired SDN hero was down there causing trouble. Robert sent Punch Up and Malevola.

  “G-great, good shift uh—sh-shift every—” Waterboy stuttered. “G-g-go Z-Team!”

  “Did you hit your head slipping on one of your fucking puddles?” Punch Up asked.

  “Heh. Heh. Uh, excuse me,” Waterboy responded.

  Once everyone was back to base, Robert pulled his headset off and pinched the bridge of his nose.

  “Not only did you cut one of their dumbshit buddies,” Chase spoke up, “but you’re also forcing them to work with…”

  “An actual good person who wants to be a hero?” Robert finished for him.

  Chase popped up and leaned on the cubicle wall. “I was gonna go with wet baby bitch boy. But yeah, we can go with yours.”

  “Yeah…” Robert exhaled and sank back in his seat, exhausted. “Let’s go with mine.”

  “Hey, kid,” Chase said. “Love ya.”

  “Love you too, Unc.”

  “Don’t fuck this up,” Chase said as he shouldered his backpack and walked away.

  Robert spent a minute cleaning up his desk, and when he opened up one of the drawers, he found a picture of himself and his dad from back when he was a kid. He stared at it for a long moment, then realized how lonely he felt. He dropped the photo back in, closed the desk drawer, and pushed his chair back, running his hands over his face. He idly spun the chair in place for a moment, staring at the ceiling, until he heard the soft tap of Beef dropping a ball on the floor. The dog sat down and just stared at Robert, wagging his tail.

  He reached down, picked up the ball, and stood up. Across the office, he spotted another co-worker leaving with her husband and child—they’d come to pick her up from work. After a moment, Robert turned and began making his way downstairs toward the courtyard break area. He bounced the ball as he walked and Beef excitedly followed along. Once they got outside, Robert tossed the ball—and Beef promptly watched it go before turning the opposite direction and exploring something completely different.

  Robert just sighed to himself and waited for Beef to get bored and come back.

  When they finally made their way back inside, Beef’s attention was caught by something in a janitor’s closet. Robert followed him over and found Waterboy inside. He was sitting with his butt in a 5-gallon bucket, presumably because of the puddles he always made, and sadly munching on melon.

  “Those—they make fun of my issue—my stutter,” Waterboy said when Robert made his way into the room.

  Robert crouched down and picked up his dog. “Here, hold a Beef. It’ll help.” Then he flipped another 5-gallon bucket upside down and sat next to Waterboy. “I don’t think it’s a stutter.”

  “What?” Waterboy asked. “Can you not—it’s happening right—currently.”

  “Well,” Robert said, “you’re second guessing everything. You do it all the time. I don’t think you have a stutter. I think you have a confidence issue. You’re worried you’re gonna say the wrong thing, so you won’t finish a sentence.”

  Waterboy just looked up at him, surprised.

  “Am I blowing your mind?” Robert asked. “What are you afraid of with the Z-Team? Seriously, what’s the worst that can happen?”

  “They—I don’t know,” Waterboy said, looking down. “They call me useless, they call me, I don’t know. They think I suck.”

  “See?” Robert said. “They say that all the time. You worrying about it didn’t stop a thing. So fuck ‘em. Fuck me. Fuck everybody. From now on,” he placed a hand on Waterboy’s shoulder, “stop caring what anyone else thinks.”

  Waterboy gave him a small smile that told Robert he’d cheered up a little.

  Robert sniffed the air. “It smells very chemically in here.”

  When Robert got back to the desk with Beef, he noticed an alert on his computer that said Invisigal was outside the coverage area. He hit the locate button and a feed pulled up showing that she was inside a movie theater with her feet propped up.

  He slid on the headset and asked, “Whatcha watching?”

  “Typecast 2,” Invisigal answered. “You spying on me?”

  “Technically, you’re still on the clock,” Robert said. “Didn’t peg you as a rom-com fan.”

  “If I’m on the clock, you shouldn’t be pegging me with anything Robert. That’s extremely inappropriate. Especially since I’m usually the peg-er, not the peg-ee.”

  “Noted,” Robert said. “Well tell me how it is, I wanted to see that one.”

  “There’s still at least twenty minutes of trailers,” she responded. “I always forget what I’m watching by the time the movie starts.”

  “Same. You goin’ solo?”

  “I’m a loner, Robbie. A rebel. That and I feel bad asking people to pay when I’m just gonna sneak in. The only lame thing is I can’t get snacks.”

  “Floating buckets of popcorn do tend to draw a lot of attention,” Robert said.

  Visi let out a sigh, “But I miss it… I miss popcorn.”

  Before Robert could respond, he felt an alert ping on his phone and opened up the message to see:

  Blonde Blazer: ‘Still at the office? Up for a late dinner?’