Chapter Twenty Five

  The Legendary Codswallop

  It was a good old cart, made of sturdy, well-fastened wood, and joined by iron nails an inch fat. Nephis lounged as it rolled across the old, white stone highway, the Road of the Queen, stretching her legs across the wide bay. The sun was high that late summer morning, tempting Nephis to pull the hempen canvas over for shade, but she resisted it, sure that she would be scolded for it. All was as well as it could have been, for there was a fair breeze, kindly clouds, and then a terrible crack. Snap! Something had come undone.

  Kugo pulled back the braying horse, and he and Moss leaned down to look over the cart. An iron band had been holding the rear axle together; now a great split ran through it, joining again at the wheel. Half of an iron shackle lay on the road, its long watch suddenly ended. The busted pieces of wood strained against one another, bowing out at either end. The poor thing would hold for a while, but not for long. Every turn of the wheel, every bump in the road, was another pound of pressure against the splintering axle. It would need to be replaced.

  The crippled wagon limped along the old road, groaning with every turn of the wheel, like a grey-haired dog desperate to keep up with its master. They stopped for a while, so their horse, Ox-head as Nephis called it, or Stephan as Moss and Kugo called it, might catch its breath. And from this high hill, they could see the great valley that lay behind it. Butting up against that valley was a red and churning lake, as deep and as wide as the eye could see. Upon it traveled small fishing vessels, their sails full of the wind, which carried up that damp scent of seaweed and fish gut.

  “Ugh!” Nephis cried, “Does it have to be here?” she asked.

  “It doesn’t, if you’d like to drag a broken cart thirty miles on your own, we can always keep along,” Kugo answered. Then he breathed in deeply, “Besides, that’s the smell of money! Or close enough.”

  Moss held up the coin purse to his face, as if sniffing it, and then did the same to the open air, before nodding quietly.

  Nephis grimaced, a bitter eye prodding Kugo, but kept her mouth shut.

  The city streets stunk worse than the hills. All the mint, sage, and thyme in the world could not hide that scent, and oh, how they tried. It was beautiful, bushels of green herbs hanging from every windowsill and archway, catching and purifying the wind as it came, but they only blunted that sharp scent. The party trudged through the streets, the horse pulling at its reins, trying desperately to leave the veins of wind. But Moss had an iron grip on the leather as he led the horse and cart along the smooth-worn cobbled roads. Occasionally, as they searched for a craftsman, a wheel would snag a pothole and pop up into the air. One such hole apparated as they passed by a tavern. The cart made a great noise as it sailed high into the air, before crashing down into a slouch. The front axle had snapped in two.

  They all gathered around as the cart lay on the road like an old, tired dog waiting for its master to come home. But this dog did not have the strength to greet its master. Kugo sighed, a deep groan coming up from his soul. He set free the horse and tied it to a post out front.

  “Alright, everyone, take hold of what you can and we’ll go find a carpenter,” Kugo instructed. He counted out some coins and then swore, “Tsk! Barely enough for a room, let alone to fix this cart.” And then his eyes caught a sign outside the tavern.

  Paying Customers Only. It read.

  “Alright, Nephis, you and Moss go inside and buy something to eat,” he sighed and handed them a few bronze coins, “Go and find us some work while you’re at it. Ten silver should cover it for now.” And he left Nephis and Moss with the busted cart.

  “Well, Moss, are you hungry?” Nephis asked.

  “I should like cheese,” he answered, “And some wine.”

  “Perhaps no wine,” Nephis replied as they stepped into the hall.

  All eyes were upon them as they trounced through the hall, ordering what little they could with what little was left to them. Despite their troubles, Nephis was sure to order something proper, a stew with bread and a little meat, a meal was not proper without a little meat, and of course some cheese. Nephis had always imagined taverns to be lively places, but in all her journey, most had been deathly quiet. She pondered these things as she and Moss enjoyed their meal. It was good. As soon as they were finished, they asked about the tavern, inquiring for work to be done. But few needed any, and none would pay enough. Nephis and Moss’ shoulders sank. What were they to do? She had little desire to stay in this town any longer.

  Then, a man stomped up next to them. He was tall and broad, with wrinkles spread across his sun-kissed face. He looked Moss up and down, a great red nose bobbing as he went. “Y’er looking for work, no?” he asked in a deep and scraggly voice, beset by years of drink and smoke.

  “Yes, we are,” Nephis snipped, “If you can afford it.”

  His eyes flicked to her, “Do you speak for this here fellow?”

  “I can - ” Moss began

  “I do,” Nephis interrupted. “What’s your work?”

  “I’m not sure you’ll be too good for it. But a strapping . . . figure like our friend here – Aye, this is the right man for the job.”

  Nephis scrunched up her face in annoyance. No doubt she was good enough for any job, but never mind that for now. “His name is Moss. I’ll have you know, we will need at least ten- fifteen silver gros for our labour. There is another member of our crew, so five a piece.”

  The man laughed. “I can assure you far more than that – should you succeed. Have you ever heard of the Legendary Codswallop?” He leaned in expectantly, a dark grin across his face.

  “I can’t say I have,” Nephis flatly said. Codswallop, she scoffed.

  “Codswallop?” Moss muttered. “Cod? Swallow? A fish-bird?”

  “Y’er half right there, Master Moss. “It is indeed a fish! A terrible beast that haunts these waters! He harasses our vessels, knocking them to pieces and scattering goods to the bottom of the sea. And now they say he’s killed a man!”

  “And you wish us to catch this ‘codswallop’?” Nephis asked.

  “Aye! The merchant guild has offered a bounty on this fish’s head. What do you say? I provide the vessel, and you capture it. We can split the reward,” he offered.

  “I’ve never been on a boat before . . .” Moss bemoaned.

  “You’ll get y’er sea legs in no time!” The fisherman assured him.

  “My what?!” Moss looked down at his stumpen legs in horror.

  “Never mind the sailing,” Nephis dismissed the fisherman, “How much is this bounty?”

  The seaman smiled, a toothy grin with far more gum than bone. “Two Golden Solis, one for me, one for you.”

  “We’ll take it!” Nephis exclaimed.

  Kugo sighed in disappointment. “A Legendary Codswallop? Really?” he asked.

  “It’s a big problem, Kugo,” Nephis explained sternly, “It is attacking merchant vessels.”

  “Someone died!” Moss interjected.

  “Yes, someone died. We cannot take this lightly. Also, there is a two-solis bounty,” she nodded.

  Kugo rubbed the bridge of his nose through his mask. “And have you verified any of this?” he asked.

  “The merchant guild said the very same thing,” Nephis huffed with pride. “Now what do you know about fishing?”

  And so a reluctant Kugo and an excited pair formed a plan. They would fill the biggest basket they could find with as much chum as it would fit and bind the whole thing up with rope. It would float upon the water, and as the fish was known to knock aside ships, this would be fine, even desirable. Then, once the beast surfaced, Moss would hold it back as Kugo drove his blades into it. A fool proof plan, really. Even still, the rope, and the basket, and chum brought them nearly to their last silver coin.

  The narrative has been taken without permission. Report any sightings.

  The fisherman helped them load up the boat. A small thing, fit for no more than four or five people.

  “This is a little small,” Kugo remarked. “Are you certain a larger vessel wouldn’t do better?”

  “Do you see a larger vessel?” the fisherman asked.

  “Right,” Kugo snipped as they tossed the chum basket in. It smelled awful, like the scent of the whole city had concentrated into their ship.

  “Good luck, then!” The fisherman announced.

  “Aren’t you coming along?” Nephis asked.

  “And risk being sunk? Besides, I’d be of no use against the Legendary Codswallop. Off with you!” And he kicked them out to sea.

  “Some help,” Kugo hissed.

  “Nonsense, Kugo! This is going to be great! We’ll catch the fish and earn a handsome reward!” Nephis cried as Kugo and Moss slowly pulled the little oars, setting them out to open water.

  The sea was great and wide as any ocean after a while. A plane of wine-dark water sparkled in the sunlight. Distant ships, some doubtless after the bounty as well, floated gently along like leaves sinking to the earth. Moss and Kugo rowed, the sound of splashing water echoing along the sea. With a great heave, they tossed out the chum and watched as it sank. It had not floated at all. But Nephis and Kugo were glad for it, at least now the air was clean. And so they waited. And waited. And sat in the gaze of a sun without clouds.

  “Ugh!” Nephis groaned. “How much longer is this going to take?” It had doubtless been many hours at this point. And they had sailed from spot to spot, hoping to rouse the codswallop. But so far, no luck.

  “This is just what fishing is,” Kugo said as he sat back in his seat. His bluing face, taking in the wind.

  “Well, you seem happier,” Nephis grumbled.

  “What can I say?” Kugo sighed lightly. “This is a simple pleasure. Water as far as the eye can see, a cool breeze, the soft massage of the lady fair.”

  “A poet, now?” Nephis sneered and went back to staring blankly at the dark, ambling waters.

  Kugo rolled his eyes and dismissed her. “What of you, Moss? How are you enjoying your first fishing trip?”

  Moss sat back on his bench, lounging out his great legs, one hand on his chest and the other tight on the rope. “Hm. I think some wine would make this better.”

  “Haha!” Kugo laughed, his voice carrying far over the water. “Very true! I should have thought of that. Next time then.”

  “Next time?” Nephis grumbled.

  “Next time,” Moss echoed.

  A cool breeze passed over them and brought with it a moment of quiet and the return of the hot sun.

  “Ah!” Nephis cried. “I give in! You were right, Kugo, this was a terrible idea. Keep on fishing, I will at least enjoy myself. I’m going for a swim!”

  “Are you sure that’s wise?” Kugo asked.

  “What about the Legendary Codswallop?” Moss warned.

  “What about it?” Nephis snipped, “It hasn’t shown up yet! Because it’s not going to. Some other crew will find it.” And she slipped off her robes and skit and shoes, so that nothing but her chemise would be wet. Nephis awkwardly stepped over the end and dropped into the ice cold water. “Ah!” she sighed, and splashed the water across her warm face.

  She swam around for a while, splashing whichever way her heart pleased.

  “Nephis,” Moss pleaded, leaning over the side of the ship.

  “Let her be,” Kugo said, “She’s right. Go ahead and pull up the basket, and we’ll be out of here.”

  Moss was unsure, but did as he was told and heaved up the wet rope. Only when he got to the end of it, there was no basket, no chum, nothing but a fraying end. “Kugo?” he called.

  Kugo snatched it up and looked at it. “Something must have gotten to it,” he muttered, and then felt cold. He unsheathed one of his blades and began to tie the rope end to it. “This will be hours of work to fix up,” he groaned.

  And as he did, Moss leaned over to tell Nephis. But as he looked into the dark waters, he saw a shadow form beneath her. Great and terrible it grew and grew. “Nephis!” he called, “Get in the boat! Something is coming.”

  “What?” Nephis called with a smirk.

  Kugo looked over to see the same thing, to see it growing and spreading beneath the water. “Nephis, get out of there! There’s something beneath you!”

  “Oh no!” she cried in jest. “This really is too much. Codswallop! Whose idea of a prank is this? I’ll have to -”

  A geyser burst from beneath her as an enormous beast cut through the surface of the water. Purple and blue it was, dull-skinned with duller eyes, leering at Kugo and Moss. Then it crashed to its side, into the water. And Nephis was nowhere to be seen.

  “Nephis!” Moss cried and jumped in after her, taking Kugo’s blade with him. He caught just the tail fin of the monster as it tried to swim away.

  Kugo scrambled over to the side, only to see a bit of blood rising in the water and the rope being whipped out of the boat, sucked up into the water. He snagged it as tight as he could right as it came to the end. The boat was whipped forward, white water stung his face like needles as he held on for dear life. He had never gone so fast before. He might have screamed, but as the wind pressed into his face, he could hardly breathe.

  Moss scaled the side of the terrible fish, stabbing it again and again as he tried to find purchase. But nothing was sturdy enough. Kugo’s blade was good for slicing, perhaps too good. He could feel the muscles and tough scales press against him, nearly knocking him off at every point. He had never felt so small before; every swing and shake was like a wolf to a baby deer. But Moss held on. At last, he had clawed his way to the head, where he could hear a muffled scream coming from within.

  ‘aaaaaahhh’

  “I’m coming, Nephis!” he shouted back, but the rushing water stole his words away. He saw great gills, opening and closing before him. Finally! He thought. Purchase! He thought and crudely jammed the blade in and around the gills until it looped around the bony lungs. The Legendary Codswallop did not like that one bit. It trashed and dove and shook until Moss was thrown loose, only snagging onto the rope.

  Another muffled scream came from the fish as it did so. And then, muffled chanting. A flash of light came from the gills, and bubbles fluttered from every opening. The fish dove deeper.

  Kugo was barely holding on. His hands screamed in pain. His feet, planted against the wooden hull, felt that they would burst through it. It was all he could do to hold on. And then it tugged harder, and the rope pulled down, whipping Kugo across the boat and over into the water. His vision was dark for a second, and when he breached the surface of the sea, the rope was gone, and he was alone in the still waters.

  Moss pulled himself along the rope one slow arm at a time. The great, dull eye of the fish leered at him, watching the strange creature that wounded him. Moss reached out a great, clawed hand at the one part he could hurt, and dug in. It was a terrible fight. Nephis wailing from within the whole while, gouts of flame boiling the water as it came, Moss tearing into the beast, which thrashed and roiled in the water. But eventually, both Moss and the Codswallop were bound in thick rope, but they floated upwards. The Legendary Codswallop was slain by a thousand jabs.

  They bobbed up along the water, and Moss pulled up the great, tough mouth of the fish. “Nephis he cried. And there within, clinging to a bit of jaw, was Nephis, wet and terrified.

  “Moss,” she whimpered, and he helped her up and out. She was slimy and covered in fish gut, and doubtless stunk to high heaven.

  And for a while, they sat on the wicked fish as she whimpered. “It was terrible, there was only a pocket of air at the roof of the mouth. I think it swallowed me three times, and I think I swallowed fish gut four times.” And then she hiccoughed, only a little squeak, but some of the rotting fish found its way to her tongue again, and she hurled into the water. “Bleugh!”

  Eventually, Kugo found them. Rowing with one oar at a time. “You did it!” he exclaimed. “I can’t believe it. How was it?” he asked with a hint of joy in his voice.

  Nephis looked at him with sad, fish-like eyes and a quivering lip.

  He gave her her now sopping wet robes to at least feel a bit more secure and covered. And slowly, with a waterlogged boat and a giant fish in tow, they returned to the docks.

  “I don’t think I’ll ever forget the smell,” Nephis said gauntly.

  Their silent entrance was greeted with the wonder and chatter of the port-goers. And the first to greet these weary travelers was the fisherman, who began to leap for joy as he saw them hauling in the Legendary Codswallop. Codswallop no more. He heaved their little vessel to the docks and helped each one of them out.

  “Ah, you’ve done it!” He shouted. “I can’t believe my eyes, but you’ve caught it! He must be a six dozen – no, a hundred feet long! I’m rich! We’re rich!”

  “Yes, you’re welcome,” Nephis muttered.

  And then the fisherman lifted her up in the air, her face was buried in his wiry beard, and she could smell fish guts once more. It was a miracle, squeezed as tight as she was, that she did not vomit down his back.

  “Gup!”

  “What do you say? We collect our reward and then a round of drinks!” The fisherman bellowed, his few teeth shining proudly.

  Kugo looked at Nephis, green-faced and pale. “I think we’d best pass on that. The reward is fine enough for us.”

  “Wine . . .” Moss mourned.

  “Well, if you insist,” the fisherman sighed in disappointment, “Follow me then.”

  And after a great deal of interrogation from the Merchant’s Guild, they were awarded a golden Solis each, which Kugo promptly had changed into silver and bronze. After that, each were sent on chores, Moss to buy supplies, Kugo to have the cart repaired, and Nephis to rest – she would not be much good for a day or two. Moss was very sure to insist on getting the fairest price, and the wide eyed shop keeps were sure to oblige.

  As they all sat in the little private room Kugo had arranged for them, the sky now turning a brilliant orange, Nephis came to her senses a little. “Why an inn?” she croaked, “I was hoping to head out.”

  “And spew your innards over our cart?” Kugo chided, “No, ‘mam.”

  “There’s not much left for me to spew . . .” Nephis answered.

  “Besides, I promised we could stay at an inn during our next stay, and the last few towns were . . . no good for that,” Kugo reminisced, “Either way, we have the money now, so no harm done.”

  “Heh,” Nephis chuckled and rolled over to rest some more, her face buried in the white bedding, “Even the sheets . . .” she groaned.

  Once morning had come, pale-Nephis spurred them out of the inn and city, headed for the far coast where she hoped to meet up with those fanatical knights they caught in the dark wood. They had been set a long way off from their journey and were sure to make up for it. And they did not know the pain and trouble that would come from following them to the shore.