The feeling of being stuck inside your own body, as if it wasn’t yours… like there was a better form out there you could take. The desire to transform into something you weren’t supposed to be, to break the laws of nature and become something else entirely. That’s what Alroy wanted. As he watched the birds chirp and fly circles through the sky outside the window, or when he watched lizards climb up plants and hide from his prying hands, he couldn’t help but feel a little jealous… he wanted to experience more than what his body allowed him to.
Maybe if he could transform into a giant griffin, he could take Elray and fly away. Maybe if he could take the shape of a bear, he could protect his twin from anyone who ever tried to harm him again. And if he could be a griffin, or a bear, or anything else like that, it wouldn’t matter if he wanted to be a girl sometimes, because the female equivalents of those powerful beasts were just as scary as the males… his mom wouldn’t be able to say anything about it.
If he could just be something he wasn’t, his life would be so much different. He was certain it would be better. Instead, he was stuck in a house with his mother who’d already killed all their cattle so that they wouldn’t starve, and he hadn’t seen his father in months. Alroy assumed that his mother had finally killed the man. But at least she wasn’t targeting Elray… for now.
“Here. Eat up. And today, you’re going into the fields. Now that your incompetent father has left us, it’s your job to make the money,” Lila instructed the twins as she set two bowls of broth in front of them, Alroy staring at it for a considerably long moment, his nose slightly wrinkling when he got a whiff of the hot steam coming off the meat. It… didn’t really look like horse meat, or beef, or even chicken. It was a dull pink, almost grey, and it smelled… oddly sweet. It caused him to slowly risk a glance at his mother, watching as she bit down on her own broth and took easy bites out of the tender meat without much trouble. And then he looked towards Elray, who didn’t seem to notice anything was wrong as he carefully took the bowl to his lips and sipped on the broth as well.
Good. Great. So he was the only one who noticed or cared. That was okay. He could handle that. He could… eat this. Or at least, that’s what Alroy told himself, staring down at the broth with wide eyes that could barely hide their panic. But honestly, he really didn’t think he could. It was already his fault that Lila had snapped and killed their father, even though the man had always been kind to him. Or at least… wasn’t he dead? Alroy hadn’t actually come across the body…
“Eat. If you collapse on the fields, I won’t be giving you any extra portions,” Lila snapped sternly, finishing her bowl without a care as Elray turned to glance at him, confused. It looked like his brother was trying to question him with his eyes if he was okay… but how could Alroy tell him? That they were eating their father? No, he couldn’t do that to his twin. Better just to eat it. So he took the bowl to his lips and swallowed everything down as best he could, barely chewing the thin strands of tender pink meat as that grossly sweet taste flushed in his mouth. It was disgusting, but Alroy didn’t feel like he had a choice. Besides, it wasn’t like there was anything else to eat, anyway.
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“Where do you think dad is?” Elray asked quietly as they walked out onto the fields their family owned, neither of them really sure what they should be doing. They harvested wheat and the like, but it was already late in fall and nearly winter, so their father had already done that, even though they’d run out in their storage a while ago. Were they supposed to prep the fields, somehow? Plants seeds, maybe? Alroy didn’t even know how to use that one machine their father owned that did the job, much less how to answer his brother’s question.
“Uh… you heard mom, he’s not with us anymore,” he responded instead, though he knew his answer was kind of lame. Definitely not what Elray wanted to hear.
“...Alroy?”
“Yeah? What is it?”
“I’m scared.”
“...”
He didn’t know how to respond to that. He could only stare at the thick soil underneath their feet, violet brows furrowed. He didn’t know how to help, didn’t know how to save, didn’t know how to protect. If they knew any better, they would run from this damned household, but then where would they even go? Neither of them had left this small town before, so they were bound to get lost. And they didn’t have a way to defend themselves or to even buy food. The only source of nutrition they had was… no, Alroy couldn’t finish that thought.
“Look, I don’t know what we should do, either. Let’s just… go back home and see if we can figure out how to use the machine in the back of the farm. Maybe then we can eat something actually decent,” he sighed, turning around to walk his way back on home, Elray watching him anxiously.
Something seemed to be bothering Alroy, but the weaker twin just didn’t know what it could be. Was he blaming himself for Morro’s death? It was true that it was kind of his fault, but… Elray didn’t blame him. After all, the only reason Alroy had resorted to such a method was to save him. Though, he couldn’t help but still wonder where the body was, so Elray ran back up to his twin and grabbed Alroy’s hand, ignoring it when his brother flinched and tried to snatch himself away. “Let’s go try and find dad’s body. Maybe mom buried it in her shed. I know we’re not allowed back there, but we should look anyway,” he insisted stubbornly, dragging Alroy’s hand to lead them back home, running through the barren fields with his brother’s face all twisted.
“I’m not sure that’s a good—”
“It’s a great idea, shut up! Since when are you so scared?!” Elray spat back without even looking at him, racing them along to the back of the shed before he moved himself under the wooden bar, lifting it up on his small shoulder before the whole thing nearly fell on top of him.
“Ugh, stop it, you’re gonna get yourself killed,” Alroy griped, dragging his brother to the side before he pushed up the slab of wood and dragged it out of the way so they could open the doors. “Now, you stay right there… I’ll look first.”
“Huh? You think you’re braver than me?”
“No, I just don’t want you to see anything you shouldn’t,” Alroy responded plainly, peeking through the cracks in the door to try and find whatever chopped up corpse their mom was hiding from them. Except, what he saw there in that shed that day… wasn’t a corpse at all.
Their father’s entire arm had been severed off, but he wasn’t dead. It looked like he’d been blinded, both his eyes gauged out with the nerves having been cut to pieces as blood dripped from the now empty sockets on his face. And when the shed door creaked open, Alroy watched in horror as his father’s face moved up, his voice small and shaking as it poked out through the empty darkness.
“Lila…? Are you back?”
“Dad!!” Elray exclaimed after hearing the familiar voice he’d been missing, pushing Alroy to the side as he ran into the shed without thinking, only stopping to falter when he laid eyes on their father’s bloodied lavender hair that was falling out in patches, the bandages that were wrapped around his mauled arm soaked in red, and the two white eyes that were placed carefully on the table in a jar. It left Elray to falter, instinctively reaching to grab Alroy’s shirt with a breath sucking in tight into his chest, before he carefully let go and crept a little closer. “...dad?”
“Huh… Elray? Elray, is that you?! You’ve come to save me?!”
“...what?” his twin brother forced out, peaking around the chair that Morro was tied to with a terrified gaze. “Sa… save you? How would I…”
“Yes, yes! Save me! From your wretched mother and that monstrous twin of yours!” Morro screamed, Alroy flinching as Elray turned around to face him with sudden outrage.
“Huh?! Alroy is not a—!!”
“A monster?! Yes he is!! That evil boy is the reason I’ve lost my eyes and an arm!! He turned me in, betrayed me, even after all the good I’ve done for him all his life!! I tried to be a good father to you both, I tried to treat you fairly, but let’s face it!! That boy is just like his mother!! We’re surrounded by monsters, Elray!!”
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“No… Alroy only did that to save me!” Elray spat with heated anger, Alroy unable to move as his arms went to hold his curdling stomach, body shaking and eyes centered on the blood that stained the dirt on the ground. But Elray was mad. That man had no right to say any of this. He’d always been kind to them, but had never defended them when it mattered. He’d never stood up to their mother on their behalf. He let them get beat, hid away when their mother hurt them, and only ever came around afterwards to tend to the bruises. He was… “You’re just a spineless coward!! Alroy did everything he did to save my life, he’s not a monster!! He’s better than you, too, by far!! Because he protects me!! What have you ever done for either of us besides sit there and watch it as mom tests her knives on us?!”
“Bahhh!! Aghhh, shut up, you brat!! I’ve done all this good for you so that you could repay me someday!! I’ve taken good care of you, haven’t I?! Now save me, Elray, get me out of here!! Please, you’ve always been the good kid, don’t change that now!! Save your father, Elray!!”
So many things were echoing in Alroy’s mind at that moment. He’d been the reason his father was like this. He’d eaten the flesh off his father’s arm just that morning. His father thought he was a monster, just like this mother. His father had only ever been kind to him so that he would eventually feel inclined to repay him… was that all kindness was? Just an endless transaction to see who could get the best outcome by the end of it all? Just… just an endless charade full of people wearing masks so that you couldn’t see what they actually wanted from you… because everyone wanted something. Everyone wanted something from him, kindness was never free, every nice thing his father had ever done for him had all just been fake so that he could use Alroy to get him out of messes like these… his breathing was fast, his head was spinning, the gross stench of rotting flesh and blood was starting to make him feel sick as thick bile inched its way up his throat from the pits of his stomach… but of course, that still wasn’t enough hardship for him, was it? It never was. Because when he felt those cold, spindly hands gently grip the back of his shoulders, he felt like his life had ended right then and there.
“Boys. What do you think you’re doing in here?” came the low, chilling voice of their mother. She didn’t sound angry, yet Alroy could tell she was livid. She was slowly combing the hairs on his head, mimicking affection as she sometimes would, before she slowly stepped around him and snatched Elray by the hair, throwing him against the bloody table as the boy fell face first into the dirt below it. “Trying to mess around with my food, are you? You know, I really only need one of you to tend to the fields. Elray, you can help me and Alroy survive during the winter. You’re not suited for anything else.”
“Huh? No, mama… mom, wait…” Elray squirmed, Alroy stumbled to the back of the shed as he watched his mother pick up one of her knives. Her knives never missed their targets. Once she had her eyes set on something, she could look away or you could move all you like, but her knife would always find you. He didn’t stand a chance… but…
But so what? It’d been Alroy's plan just weeks ago to run off without Elray, anyway. He didn’t need his brother to be beside him. To make matters worse, his father had already shown him what kindness meant… it was just a way to use people, to get them to do what you wanted, and all naive people fell for it. And Elray was one of those naive people, of course. He was pathetic, and weak, and snobby, and didn’t like getting dirty, and was clumsy, and cried all the time, and he always had something to complain about… and, and… and yet, even after all the pain Alroy had caused him, his brother still trusted that he would protect him when it counted. And he watched the look on his twin’s face as their mother directed her knife at him, taking him by his scruffy lavender hair as she prepared to stab down on his eyes, blinding him just like she had their father… but he…
Elray was just using him, he deserved it.
But Alroy was strong, he could protect one more besides himself.
But Elray was just going to slow him down, he had only ever been a nuisance.
Alroy wanted to protect him.
Elray should just die like their father so that he didn’t have to care about anyone else again.
But… Elray was his brother… he’d always accepted him, always supported him…
Always been a nuisance…
Always been kind…
The kindness was fake, just a way to get Alroy on his side…
But they fought and played, just like any other kids…
It was all fake… fake, fake, fake, fake, fake…
But they were brothers, they were… friends, and all they had was each other. Elray was his responsibility, he was the only one who had never judged Alroy for what he wanted in life, who always believed and trusted in him no matter how cruel he was, the only one who had ever given his life a meaning or a purpose besides violence. Elray was the one he had to protect above all else, he was the one who… who he wanted to protect more than anything he’d ever wanted in his life.
“You… you get away from him!!” Alroy screamed, reaching above Lila’s head to grab the jar of eyes, smashing it down on top of her with as much force as he could muster as the glass shattered and stabbed, pushing himself in between her and Elray while he grabbed the blade of the knife to stop it from coming down onto his brother. “Don’t hurt him!! I won’t let you!!”
“Why you little… fine then, do you want to be dinner instead?! Is that it?! You want to be stuck in here just like your father?!” she screamed, slicing the knife out of his hands as Alroy felt the webbing of his fingers get torn apart, but in the moment, he could barely feel it.
He wanted to be as free as a bird. He wanted the talons to protect himself. He wanted to live as any creature whose form he desired, adopt their abilities, become them and embrace what made them unique… he wanted to transform into the perfect being that could be anything it wanted, transform into something strong enough that could protect Elray no matter what…
And suddenly, his arm shifted and morphed into the talon of a hawk, a large claw twice the size of his face clamping down on his mother’s skull, squeezing the life out of it as she glared, screamed, and cursed beneath the sharp talons that were piercing her. He could feel her head breaking beneath his strength, the life dripping out of her as she threw her knife at him, stabbing him right in the center of his chest… but he merely ripped it out with his free hand, throwing it across the room while steam erupted off his body, his flesh and tissues threading themselves back together as the blood disappeared back inside him. He could feel his mom stabbing at his bird-like talons with her other knives, the sharp feeling painfully wedging into his arms like nothing ever had before, before he finally lost his temper entirely and… crushed her skull like you would pop a fruit. It was like it exploded somehow, blood splattering out from her crushed face as he dropped her, her body falling to the ground as a true corpse.
Alroy didn’t know what he was looking at. The moment he glanced at his arm and really tried to take it all in, it morphed back to normal, steam flowing off the gashes his mother had left him in his hands, wrist, and arm as it began to heal itself automatically. But when… when he looked back to the body of… of the person, his mother… who he’d just killed…
“Alroy!” Elray exclaimed when he watched his twin collapse onto his hands and knees, his body heaving as he pushed out all of that horrible lunch he’d had earlier in the day from his sick and twisted stomach. Good, he’d never wanted to digest it. He felt like he never wanted to eat anything ever again. All he could do was shake and puke while Elray held him, pulling him closer to his chest while Alroy felt his brother’s arms wrap around the boy who had just saved his life, whispering words that seemed all too empty at this point in time. “It’s okay, Alroy… you saved me… you did, we’re okay now… everything will be fine, just trust me…”
At that moment… in the safety of his brother’s arms, surrounded by a man who was cut up and too speechless to talk and a dead woman whose skull was in shambles… he began to wonder if Elray was asking for the same amount of trust that he had always given Alroy up to this point. Because Elray trusted him a lot, even though he didn’t understand how. After the life they’d lived, how was it possible to trust anyone? What were they even supposed to do with themselves now? Where in the world were they even supposed to go…?
“Ahahah… boys, wow… Alroy, I can’t believe you just defeated your mother! You’re so amazing, I always knew you had it in you… perfect, that’s amazing! Now, now, hahah, get me out of here… please, I promise I’ll do something nice for the both of you once I’m out, I’ll, I’ll—”
“Shut up,” Elray hissed, snatching one of the knives out of their mother’s dead grip before they walked up with all too much ease and slit the man’s throat. Alroy watched in a mixture of shock and horror, having not expected to ever see his twin brother do… do anything like that. It scared him, but when he watched as Elray extended his hand to him and listened to the words he had to say, he suddenly felt all too calm. “Don’t worry, Alroy. The guilt isn’t yours alone. We both killed one of our parents, so don’t blame everything on yourself, okay? It’s my fault, too. We’re guilty together. So we’ll escape and we’ll live together, too, alright? Everything will be fine as long as we have each other, so don’t let this break you, Alroy. I’m here for you, and I promise from now on I always will be. I'll be here for you just like you're always here for me, I swear it.”
His mouth tasted sick, and his hand was covered in his mother’s blood, her corpse still blaring in his vision as he stared at Elray’s outstretched hand that had just murdered their father as if it hadn’t even been too difficult of a choice. But in the end, he still took it. Because he noticed that Elray had done it for him, and that despite everything, he hadn’t been expecting anything in return for sacrificing his innocence like that. So long as they protected each other, and so long as they were always together, by each other’s side… they could get through anything. He knew that was what Elray was trying to get across to him. So… so no matter what happened… if they were together, they would survive. Alroy decided that day he would believe that. Even though, nearly every day that came after, he consistently chose destruction for the both of them over and over again… until the very survival they had fought for and promised each other… felt more like a curse on them than anything they’d first thought in that moment. Because while their parents’ deaths had liberated them, all that they’d found themselves in afterwards was a slightly larger cage... and freedom was still only a dream, nothing more...
What did you think of Alroy and Elray's backstory altogether? Can you see how they ended up in Sinbrek?
