3.

  BAM!

  Followed by a stout drop outside the office door.

  "Oh Shit!" Kevin said, still holding the pose from the release of this picture of the harlot. He immediately returned himself to a normal posture and moved with a look of fright and concern to the doorway of his office, nearly vaulting his poorly constructed MDF particle board desk. The concern was born of only one thing, the selfish concern of self-preservation. He can't be the rage monster in the office. That guy got fired, after a series of HR mediations. Kevin hated the idea of HR mediations, almost as much as he hated Rachel.

  He reached the doorway and there, on the ground, was the picture of Rachel….lying with a broken frame, next to the head of Bill Carr.

  It had been a normal day for Bill Carr up to this point, wake up late, shave a third of his face, fart in the elevator while riding it multiple times and laughing as people had the most lugubrious reactions to the vile odors produced by his hind quarters. Then clock in, with a manager code to allow him to adjust his time stamp, something he stole from Kevin's desk 9 months back. Then it was time for the next phase of the day. Not work! Work would be what would be expected of an employee, but Bill wasn't your typical employee, he was far more concerned with Margo's blouse, or seeing how many staples he could attach to Fred's jacket before Fred got up and ripped his coat.

  Today however, Bill had a mission. "He Rhonda, so I heard you like tacos." Rhonda looked up from her computer, she actually tried to do work in the office and rarely enjoyed in office hijinks. Bill just stared, he figured his stubble on his face and the dirty mustache hovering over his lip, smelling of last night's beer gave him the advantage in matters of office flirtation, when really people of FFI tended to be generally more tolerant and professional than the guy who enjoyed putting X-Lax in Jeremy's chili last week. Bill laughed as he remembered Jeremy's marriage to stall 1 last week, it had been a great day, he even laughed as he remembered his prank on Kevin, his boss. Rhonda looked on with growing agitation as she caught Bill giggling, clearly lost in some fog of a day dream rather than continuing with his harassing of her. She refused to reply to his indirect and random question, but kept her gaze on the office clown. "So yeah…you like tacos, and I also like tacos myself." She leaned her head forward and raised her eyebrows, visibly demanding even through her heavily made-up face for Bill to get to his point. "…Well I just figured we could go to this amazing place…"

  "Don't say Taco Bell."

  "Taco Bell!" he replied. "They have this wonderful atmosphere, complete with little sauce packets that you need to open 14 just to be able to swallow your food. Oh and the best part Rhonda! The best part, they have this flavor of Mountain Dew."

  "Don't say Baja Blast."

  "Baja Blast…." Bill continued, rubbing his hand through his head, leaning closer toward the annoyed woman. "Speaking of Baja blast….when was the last time you got you Baja blasted?" Rhonda leaned back in her chair, exhaled and folded her hands, tensing them to the point that her knuckles went white as she forced herself to not smack this man multiple times in his oddly not so hideous face. Rhonda wanted to hate this kind of attention, and wanted to react to this type of harassment with moderate amounts of office appropriate violence, and yet she had a slight smirk on her face as part of her did enjoy the treatment, as though she still had her groove.

  She exhaled again. "Bill…when and where I get 'Baja Blasted' is none of your concern."

  "Well not if I'm involved, Rhonda."

  "You'll not be involved."

  "I don't know, Rhonda. I'm feeling pretty involved." Her knuckles were still tensed up, white with shaky rage combined with small traces of fun in the flirtation, even at the expense of her workflow. Suddenly, she got up from her desk.

  "I need to go refill my coffee cup." She then stamped off toward the breakroom. Bill snapped his fingers, he was sure that this time he had finally broken through, and he had everything planned so well. I mean how could a girl turn down Taco Tuesday?

  "Hey Rhonda," Bill hollered, gaining more attention from other cubicles nearby. "You left your coffee mug…" He also noticed that the mug was full and the liquid inside was still steaming. Rhonda did not return. Bill soon got up from leaning over her desk and looked over to the guy who desked nearest her. "I'll get her next time Raj."

  Raj was already shaking his oversized head for his slender frame, "No You Wun'T MY FREN." Bill smiled and waved a palm toward Raj, he enjoyed his little office games. But it was time to get back to his desk. He liked to play Call of Duty without his headphones in around 11am. Bill had gotten special approval from HR manager Ryan Willard to play video games on office time three months back, due to chronic workplace stresses. Ryan believed it was important to foster healthy ways for the staff to detox from the rough experiences of office life. So for Bill, that was grinding up weapon skins in the Call of Duty lobby, while yelling at 10 year olds home sick from school.

  "I love my job he said as he walked past the divide of the office floor, past the door of Kevin Park.

  "BAM!"

  Bill had closed his eyes with an approving smile only a moment before, but now found himself staggering to his left, leaning into the cubicle wall and then dropping to the ground because the cubicle wall failed to support his weight. He along with a picture frame collided with the carpeted floor. He shook his head for a second on the ground and started to chuckle, but then he remembered in his head something, something he had always wanted to do, and as Kevin Park was emerging from his office and Bill could see the picture frame next to him on the ground he knew the perfect reaction to this moment.

  Bill was a fan of comedy, stupid comedy, the best kind of comedy. So he tucked his legs close to his chest, rolled on his back and sat up right, then leaned his knee towards his chest while he inhaled making a "TSSSSSSSSS!" sound, and then exhaled with an "AGHHHHHHH!"

  "TSSSSSSSSSSS! AGHHHHHHHHH!"

  "What are you doing, Bill?" Kevin responded, having seen Bill adjust his posture.

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  "TSSSSSSSSS! AGHHHHHHHHHH!" Bill stayed committed to the bit, pretending to be exactly like Peter Griffin from Family Guy.

  "OH NO! BEAL HAS BEEN IT!" Raj roared in his most supportive voice. Bill and Raj were office besties in their own way, and Raj was not going to allow this to go unnoticed. Soon Margo noticed. Margo came right to Bill's side, she was still furious at Kevin for his actions last week in stomping on her purse and was still waiting for her manager to pay up as Bill said he would.

  "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?" She yelled at Kevin. "Raj, contact Ryan in HR."

  "NOW NOW! Don’t do that!" Kevin reached a hand out to Raj

  "Call-ing RYYAN!" Raj said with the phone to his ear.

  "Dammit Raj put the phone down."

  "Oh now look at mister man, he wants to use all these big boy words at us like he's some kind of fascist!" Margo rose from Bill's side ready to pounce on Kevin, mostly because she wanted her $400 for the purse he destroyed and no other reason.

  Rhonda from the breakroom heard the commotion and the faint tones of, "TSSSSSSSSSS! AGGGHHHHHH!" the sounds still being strangely made at a rising volume by the downed Bill. As though he were working hard to overpower the other voices in the room. Rhonda came racing towards the scene of the crime.

  "YESSS MESTER RYAN! BEAL HAS BEEEN IT BY KEEVIN!" Kevin could hear the call from Raj, he was leaning backward away from Margo, and meanwhile Bill was trying to hold back his giggle while continuing his—

  "TSSSSSSS AGHHHHH!"

  "Bill, tell me you're okay!" Rhonda shoved Margo and the staple covered Fred out of the way. She leaned down and embraced Bill and then looked over Bill's leg, checking for where the pain was. Kevin made eye contact with Bill. The man on the ground gave a thumb's up at his boss, and tightened his lips around his jaw while rocking his head up and down softly, as if signaling with both finger and facial expression that Kevin had somehow become Bill's wingman in this process. Kevin then frowned as he noticed the red mark on the side of Bill's jaw.

  "Bill I didn't even hit you in the leg."

  "WOW!" Ryan had entered the room, hustling quickly with the passion that only a man dying and desirous of death from boredom can muster in his step, his company policy manual under his forearm. Kevin looked over and saw the man from Human Resources and knew instantly he royally screw up. Anyone in a corporate field knows that the first thing about having an HR department is that you never admit anything about yourself or your own actions to HR. Kevin had just been overheard by HR. Kevin slapped himself in the face and drug his palm down over his eyes and mouth, pulling the skin down with his fingers.

  "Bill, Baby Bill, what can I do for you?" The motherly nature buried deep under the make-up and office lighting, huddled beneath every woman clutching a Stanley cup close to her chest bludgeoned itself out of Rhonda in this moment, making this man whom she was annoyed and felt harassed by moments earlier to now being someone in her care. Bill smiled and then leaned back, laying on the pain face again, while Ryan in the corner began taking notes on the scene of the incident. Bill knew the workplace lingo, and this was his opportunity.

  "Rhonda….sweet Rhonda." Bill said while making faces of disgust. "If it isn't too much to ask. Could you help me to my desk?"

  "Absolutely." Bill leaned his face into Rhonda's chest, intentionally aware of his actions. Rhonda like a loving mother bear, protecting her cub helped raise the wobbly Bill to his feet. Bill still leaned into her chest, as though Rhonda's midsection were the only thing able to grant Bill's body the balance needed to traverse the floor of Fuchsia Frontiers International.

  "Rhonda," he spoke in a soft and weak voice, playing her sympathy.

  "Yes, Bill."

  "Maybe later we could go get some tacos?"

  "Of course, Bill. Of course." Bill looked over at Raj who raised a thumb at Bill and nodded his head. Bill with a free hand, hidden from Rhonda's view pumped his fist in victory as they together wandered to his desk.

  Ryan was ready to gather witness testimony. "Margo, did you see what happened."

  "Now Ryan, we don't need to do this, it was a simple accident."

  "Kevin, this was an incident of office violence by a superior in rank. There is a power dynamic at play. I must follow protocol." Kevin slammed his head lightly against the door frame of his office, knowing he head fully messed up…all while Bill was over at his desk faking an injury to his leg and planning how he would score with Rhonda later.

  "Margo." Ryan asked again with his pen ready.

  "Kevin over here, mister boss man, chucked this picture right at Bill, trying to kill him with it like it was some kind of boomerang."

  "Did it come back to him?"

  "What?"

  "Did the picture come back to him?" Margo shook her head in the negative. "Ryan then scratched out the word boomerang from his notes.

  "Anyway that is what happened, Ryan tried to kill Bill."

  "I did not try and kill Bill."

  "But Kevin you did admit to hitting Bill with the frame." Ryan still scribbling notes referred to the earlier comment offered by the department manager. Kevin continued to smack his skull lightly on the door frame. He couldn't image things getting any worse from here. Only a week ago he thought he was entering a new era, an era of prosperity and influence for himself with a greater future. Oh how life can change in a week. In the span of a week he had lost his family, met the new man plowing his wife, committed himself to paying $400 for a damaged purse, and now was involved in an HR office violence complaint.

  "Ryan…….it….was an….an…accident man." HR does not know the meaning of accidents, especially at FFI the land of opportunities. Ryan saw this for what it was, an opportunity to use a never before used portion of the policy manual, the workplace violence by a supervisor section.

  "Wow, Margo, so this really was a scary event." Ryan wrote down the way Bill was holding his leg.

  "Yeah and this wasn't the first time Kevin has been violent in the office. Last week he stomped all over my purse and completely ruined it." Ryan gasped as he placed that in his incident notes.

  "Okay. Okay." Kevin spoke trying to get things back under his control.

  "Get your hands off me!" snapped Margo.

  "Please, Kevin, you're only making this worse." Ryan snorted with nostrils flaring. For a split second the HR manager felt like a man as he glared daggers at the department head. He closed his notepad and nodded after a few seconds. "Thank you, Margo. I think we have what we need from you here." Margo smiled with a look of accomplishment on her face and then turned to scowl at her boss.

  "What now, Ryan?"

  "Mr. Willard."

  "What?"

  "My name…its Mr. Willard."

  "Okay, but what do we do now? Can we just get back to our day?" Ryan shook his head side to side indicating a response Kevin did not want to hear. He hoped that somehow that he could contain this. Yes, he had an outburst, but it was an accident that Bill was hit, and he knew Bill was only pretending to be hurt to try and get into Rhonda's pants.

  "Kevin. I'll need to do a mediation session immediately, to calm things down as they are too hostile right now." Ryan spoke with passion in his voice. Kevin looked around and other than Bill nuzzling up to a distracted Rhonda, the floor seemed call and back to the way it normally looked. Except for Raj taking photos of Bill's face pressing into Rhonda's voluptuous chest. Kevin stared at the senior customer rep but decided it wasn't worth scolding the employee, especially right now.

  "Well okay then, Ryan….Mr. Willard. Let's go into my office here."

  "NO!" Kevin looked over, confused by the tone of his voice. "That is not neutral territory for all parties involved, that being you and Mr. Carr. We will all three meet in my office right this moment." He then turned and stepped toward Bill's desk, putting himself in view of the office clown. "Mr. Carr."

  "Yes, bud?" Bill kept his face firmly where he was most happy in this moment, unwilling to push off from his new best friend.

  "Can you come to my office? I know this is sudden and still fresh for you, but we need to talk about what happened."

  "Sure thing bro." Ryan turned with a smile and walked off toward the elevator motioning a dejected Kevin to come with him. Bill kept his face pressed to Rhonda for another few seconds before he shot out of his chair as though nothing had ever happened and trotted over to the elevator to join the other two.

  "He is so brave." Rhonda said with a swoon.