“The fiery broad and her companion continued making their way toward the ranch. I couldn’t help but watch the hypnotic sway of their hips as I followed.”

  I stopped.“Did you hear that, CP?”

  They shook their head.

  I shrugged. “Must be the wind.”

  “I narrowly avoided detection, and the curious pair continued toward their destination.”

  “Okay.” I halted. “You definitely heard that.”

  CP nodded.

  “The ginger called a halt. Her beady eyes searched the shadows of the trees. Her silent partner did the same. Suddenly, their emerald green eyes locked with mine. They nudged the broad and pointed a finger. I’d been made.”

  I tilted my head. “I don’t have beady eyes! CP, who is this clown?”

  CP pointed at their crotch then their eyes.

  “Really?” I groaned.

  “Ginger and the bald dream talked softly, glancing toward me once in a while. A pencil sped by like a speeding train, slamming into the tree behind me. Something was tied to it. I plucked the gift off the pencil and unrolled it.

  The words hit me like an F-16.”

  Go home.

  “Who would’ve thought a gorgeous broad—”

  “Ginger?! Broad?! Are we in the fifties?”

  “—and her beautiful friend would hurt my feelings like that. Either way, I had the money, I needed to do my job.”

  “Do you think we lost him?” I asked.

  CP looked over their shoulder and shrugged.

  I sighed. “How far are we from Kwazy Cow Wanch?”

  CP raised two fingers.

  “Two more miles?! Of course Thomason gives us the case that can’t be reached by car or copter.”

  I stomped through the forest, CP next to me, cursing my boss-slash-nemesis in my head.

  I caught multiple flashes of light in the corner of my eye.

  “CP, the dick’s taking pictures of us.”

  “Bald person’s jewelry rang as he spun toward me.

  Something slammed into my camera lens. Shattering it like my life dreams. I looked at my camera—and the silver chopstick sticking out of it. A few tears slid down my cheek as I removed the SD card and tossed the camera on the ground.”

  If you spot this tale on Amazon, know that it has been stolen. Report the violation.

  I smiled. “Good shot, CP.”

  “Chopstick’s cheerleader congratulated them on the murder of an innocent camera before continuing on their way.”

  “Chopstick’s cheerleader?!” I turned, facing the dick. “CP. I’m going to kill him.”

  CP placed a hand on my shoulder, twitched their nose, then stuck out their tongue.

  “I can’t ignore him! He’s literally narrating our walk!”

  “There seemed to be a rift between the catty reporter and her stalwart cameraperson. I ducked behind a tree, watching the chaos unfold.”

  I began walking toward the narrating nitwit.

  Images of carnage ran through my head. The closer I got, the crueler.

  CP observed from a stump, amused. Chopsticks flashed as edamame disappeared into their mouth.

  I reached the tree the noir dick hid behind.

  “Hey, dick! I want to have a chat with you.”

  CP smirked.

  “Just before the raucous reporter caught me, I scrambled up the tree like a frightened cat and hid amongst the dense foliage.”

  I looked up. The inadequate detective was straddling a branch.

  Four pencils shot toward him.

  He fell from the tree onto the unforgiving ground.

  I nonchalantly gathered my pencils. Ignoring the detective completely.

  “What should we do with it, CP?”

  CP ground his fists together, tapped the ground, then smiled.

  “That could be fun, but—”

  “I stared at the canopy of the trees as the ruffians discussed my fate. Will the great Alison Alistair shove twenty pencils into my heart? Or will the ever reliable Cameraperson pierce my temples with chopsticks?”

  CP stood next to me, looking down on the detective, smirking. I knew what they were thinking, and I liked it.

  “Fiendish grins spread across the dynamic duo’s faces. My heart sped up. The zebraloes were right—FBI agents.”

  “So now he just makes shit up?” I asked.

  CP lifted one shoulder.

  “Pencils and chopsticks sped toward me like meteors plummeting through the atmosphere. I did what I could, but alas—”

  “Will you shut up!” I screamed. “We’re not going to kill you.”

  I rolled my eyes. “Grab him, CP.”

  “The brute lifted me by the scruff of my neck and exhaled. The stench of raw fish and octopus balls rushed into my nostrils. Chemical war—”

  “We should’ve used the duct tape first,” I said.

  “Mmph mph, mrrrrpphh! Mrm ph mmrrph.”

  I looked at the private dick, then CP. An evil smile spread across my face.

  “Shall we?”

  Twenty minutes later

  We stood, admiring our handiwork.

  “The mustache and penis work well together.” I returned my sharpie to my bag. “We could’ve done more torso-wise, but they can’t all be masterpieces.”

  I ripped the duct tape off, and CP and I headed toward the ranch.

  “The reporters resumed their journey to Kwazy Cow Wanch, leaving me to my fate. I can hear the tyrannical tree plotting against me. It seems the tree does not appreciate naked humans defiled by markers attached to it. Acorns slammed into my head as the squirrel assassins began to descend.”

  “Don’t worry CP. We’ll let him go on our way out.”

  CP shook their head. Stomped one foot. Then hopped.

  I stopped. “They figured out how to get a copter in?!”

  They nodded.

  “Someone will find him… eventually.”

  “The forest got quiet—trees didn’t like to talk about family, they’d been massacred in the Earthworm Wars. I sighed. Rescue was coming. My chipmunk overlords wouldn’t let me perish. They need my thumbs.”

  River and the Bug, River and Friends Part 2 - The Beagle and the Robin, and The Reaper Wears a Scarf on my page.

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