I remember when Grandma had to go get treatments for being sick. She had to go to the Doctors 3 times a week. I had to wait in a special playroom in the hospital for her to finish her treatment. She always seemed tired afterwards, but she did not have a bandage on her hand like I did. I did not know if it was the same type of treatment. I did not think this type of treatment was supposed to make me better.

  I did not know why Doc hurt me so much. I did not do anything bad. I was trying to listen to them like they wanted me to.

  I had fallen asleep during the treatment. I did not know how I could have fallen asleep when it hurt so much, but once the treatment was over, I found myself lying on the ground in the sleeping room. I had a bandage around my hand. I could not remember what happened very well. It just seemed like there was pain hiding down that hallway. I never wanted to go down that hallway ever again.

  Carlos had been sitting with my head in his lap. The first thought I had when I woke up was that his hand on my head felt nice. I then felt the throbbing of my hand. I was still very hurt, and I wanted the pain to stop. I started crying again right after I woke up. I did not say anything because I was confused and scared. I did not want to do anything that would force me to go back in there.

  Carlos felt me tense up and could see the tears coming from my eyes as I silently cried about how scared I was and how much it hurt. He lay down with me.

  “I am sorry, I should have protected you better. I will make sure they take me next time instead of you.”

  When he was talking, he kept whistling. I looked at his face to see why he was doing that. He had a big, swollen lip, and he was missing one of his lower teeth from where Pedro had hit him. I was almost all the way curled into a ball, but when I saw that my brother was hurt also I wiggled closer to him and hugged him closer to me.

  I stayed silent while we hugged each other, lying on the floor alone in the sleeping room, while he just kept saying, “I am sorry, I am so sorry, Jaun.”

  Eventually, I started talking again after a few days. I was more scared all the time now. I would always jump when I heard the door behind Marge open. Even when they were just bringing us food. I would try running into the other room until the bad men who brought the food had left. Sometimes it was even Pedro or Antonio who brought us the food, and that was especially scary.

  I was paying more attention to the other kids after my treatment, and I noticed that most of them had injuries like mine, where their hands were scarred or would start bleeding suddenly. Some of them had limps, or did not use one of their arms very often. Boss’s scar on his face looked like it was extra straight, like it was done by a sharp tool, like the Doc’s.

  I did not know why they gave us treatments, but after my first time getting one, I knew that I would do almost anything to not have another one. I even asked Marge what I needed to do to not get a treatment. It was not a good idea to talk to Marge because she did not like any of the kids. She just laughed at me. She did not tell me anything, but she did not let me eat dinner for interrupting her quiet time. She always just sat there in front of the door watching us.

  The only time I had seen her do anything other than watch was when one of us kids came too close to the door she was sitting in front of. She would warn us that we would be punished if we got any closer. Once Mateo was being mean and angry and did not listen to her when she warned him, and kept coming towards her and the door. She knocked on the door with 3 quick taps, then 2 slow ones.

  I did not know what she was doing until a big man, just as big as Pedro, came through the door. He looked irritated when he had to come into our room to take care of something. Mateo started backing away after he saw the large man come throught the door with a scowl on his face. Mateo might like to fight and hurt people, but he knew when he could not win a fight and would run away if he needed to. It did not matter that he tried to run away; the big guy just kept walking after Mateo until he grabbed his arm. Then he hit him with his great big fist until Mateo closed his eyes. Then Mateo was dropped to the ground like a piece of trash. Finally, the man kicked him in his side hard. Mateo did not even wake up when he was kicked.

  The big man picked up Mateo and carried him down the hallway to Doc. Mateo finally came back from Doc’s room a few hours later. He said he had something called a concussion and was not supposed to get hit in the head anymore. This did not stop him from starting a fight with Jose a few days later.

  During the night, a different woman came to sit in front of the door. I did not know that lady's name, but we were supposed to be in the sleeping room during the night, so we were not supposed to talk to them.

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  The sleeping room was just an empty room. It was gray like the rest of Time Out, but there was no furniture. There were just a few piles of clothes where some of the kids would sleep. Boss had the biggest pile, and I could see my comfy blue jacket sitting there on top of the pile. Sometimes I wanted to go and take it back, but I knew that Boss would just come over and hurt me or Carlos and take it back.

  Carlos and I slept in the corner farthest away from Boss. Boss was in the back of the room, surrounded by his friends. We did not want to have anything to do with taking clothes from other kids, so we stayed by the door. The ground was hard, and we were cold most nights, but when we cuddled up with each other, it made it better. I was always glad that Carlos was with me.

  Sometimes I just did not want to be with the other kids and would sit quietly in our sleeping spot when everyone else was in the main room. It was so quiet that when I sat against the wall of the room, I could hear what was being said in other parts of Time Out. I could hear the other kids fighting over the food when it came out, or playing all the new games we made up in Time Out.

  I would listen to all the other kids, and it made me feel better. It was like if I was not in the room with them, scared of everything that was happening, then things could be alright. I would lie in bed and just listen. If anyone came to get me to join in, I would just pretend to be asleep. When I actually did sleep, most nights I would wake up over and over again, screaming. Everyone was mad at me, but I was not the only kid who would scream in the night, so they could not be too mean about it.

  I woke up so much in the night that no one wondered why I needed to sleep so much during the day. The other kids were not the only thing I could hear when I was extra quiet. I was right next to Marge’s Door where I slept. If I blocked everything else out and tried to hear just right, I could sometimes hear people talking behind the door. Sometimes I did not know what they were talking about, but sometimes I could tell they were talking about specific people.

  “I don’t know why we always have to have 2 of us guarding this door. After Dante beat that little shit within an inch of his life, no one is going to try to escape.”

  “Look I know it is stupid, but Domingo wants to make sure there are no mistakes. He keeps saying that most of our income is going to come from these brats once he is able to scale things up.”

  “Maybe he will chill out a bit once he has gone to infinity. I heard his is going to get it done next week. He keeps saying he is going to be the first of many to get it.”

  There was a scoff.

  “I will believe it once I see it. The mysterious exec got Maria and her handler weeks ago, and they keep asking for more stuff.”

  “What do you expect? We barely had any time to train her before she was sent off. She might be living life in some rich boy’s mansion, but she doesn’t have the skills we require before we send out our properly trained girls. I give it a few more weeks before they are requesting a real whore.”

  “I know what you mean. She might have been the finest piece of ass this side of the border, but good looks only matter until you turn off the lights. I have tried some of the women that come out of our bootcamp, and they are so good I feel like I am going to blow just thinking about what they did to me.”

  “Well, maybe she has some hidden skills. I mean, I used to run with Carlos when he was in charge of street sales, and he seemed plenty happy with her until he got cold feet and tried to bail.”

  “Fuck, I remember that. What kind of stupid Fuck thinks they can bail on being a Falcon? Once you join, you are family for life.”

  “Hey, you are my best mate, right? Promise, if I tell you something, you won’t repeat it to anyone.”

  “Yeah, man, I am your best mate. I will keep any secret you tell me until I am dead and buried. Fuck man, you were the only person to come to both of my weddings.”

  “I had to be sure, if Domingo ever found out I had been thinking about this, he would probably get that bone saw he loves so much. I am worried about where things are going with the Falcons. I mean, it's not like we have ever been priests, but we used to live by a code. Don’t fuck with the family. Now that Domingo is in charge, it feels like we threw out who we were.

  I mean, I used to hold my head up high when I said I was one of the Falcons, and fuck anyone who didn’t like it. Now, if I said I am a Falcon, most people run away scared, and the others try to spit in my face. I don’t think I blame them.

  Fuck man, we are killing grandmas and torturing kids. This is all so that we can get more power and money. What is the power and money for if you can’t, you are just surrounded by pain and misery wherever you go.”

  Stick came into the room to wake me up. He said they were missing a person for Street Dogs, the game, and wanted me to play with them. I tried to listen back into what the hidden people were saying, but I could not hear them anymore.

  `There were so many things I did not understand about that conversation. They kept talking about things that didn't make sense or using bad words. I was so confused. It sounded like Mama was not trained and might be sent back. I wanted Mama to be sent back, so I really hoped that would happen.

  I did not understand why they were talking about Carlos. He was here with me, but he was never in charge of the street sales, whatever that was. I had to think about it for a long time before I remembered that was my Dad's name, too. Did that mean my dad was one of the bad men, too? I thought he was trying to run from them. The more I thought about it, the more confused I got. I wanted to talk to Carlos about it, but then he would know I wasn't sleeping and might get mad at me for lying to him.

  I decide to keep my listening spot a secret. I would learn everything I could, so I would always know what was being said by adults when they talked.