Chapter 7: Undone

  Walking into the castle I found Madeline, she was to no surprise tipsy and enjoying a Knights company. Both were some of the last people inside the castle hall. The servants were already turning out the chandelier candles, making the room dim.

  Madeline giggled and her eyes drooped. The knight equally drunk was trying but failing to keep her upright. I had wanted to tell her about what happened with Ares, but instead told her I was headed to my chambers and that I could take care of myself. Her hand shooed me, whilst twisting a strand of her hair around on a finger. Anyone would have been offended, but it made me chuckle.

  My feet grew heavy at the looks of the long a dark hall ahead of me. The shiny marble glistening from the last of the candle light of the ballroom.

  I slipped off my heels and immediately felt relief once my feet met the cool floor.

  It had been longer than ten minutes since Damien left to go speak with Ellis. I wondered what was keeping him so long, perhaps it was the same long unending questions about his test.

  Making my way through the corridor, my father and Ellis conversed at the other end.

  “We can talk about it all night Ellis, but we should really get some rest.” My father told him.

  They said their goodbyes and parted ways. Damien not amongst them. The glow from the fireplace spilled out from under my fathers office door. To my luck, it had not been repaired and it sat slightly ajar. Cracked enough to see and hear inside.

  The same soft light cast odd shadows on the wall of books, a mumbling of words meeting my ears. I peeked in to see if Damien was around, because someone was definitely still inside.

  “I have missed you, I was so worried,” said a female voice. I immediately contorted my eyebrow up.

  Damien’s chuckle responded and my heart immediately sank.

  “How did you find me?” Damien asked.

  My throat began to knot.

  Upon waiting a moment longer Damien came into view and was pushed back onto my fathers desk by the same girl who had her arm around his at the party.

  “Vivian, you shouldn’t be here,” Damien said. And I was in agreement with him until he smiled down at her and my heart wrenched. His hands willingly came to her sides and started to roam, hers were in his hair and he was leaning into it.

  “What if we are caught?” Damien whispered and kissed her, like I never existed. Nausea swirled in my stomach while I watched the scene in horror.

  “They are all at the party, we will be fine for a few more minutes at least,” Vivian's voice sultry as she reciprocated the affection.

  “We really shouldn’t be doing this,” Damien added, his hands smoothing down the silk gown to rest against her hips. “Jade will be searching for me any minute now. I-"

  “Uhg, she is more boring than watching grass grow. Aren’t you tired of her? Is it true she was making you both wait for your wedding night?”

  Damien sighed but didn’t give much else as an answer. “Well, the knight code-"

  Vivian chuckled and ran her hands up his body. “That code is ancient. There is no way that is kept amongst you... But don’t worry, I won’t tell a soul…” She giggled. “I think about that night all the time, you know?”

  Was she insinuating that they- That he and her-. I suddenly felt like I couldn’t breathe, my expression drawing a numb stare when the answer settled like a sewer in my stomach. I stood there, frozen in utter disbelief, hot tears began to spill down my cheeks and onto my dress.

  He wouldn’t… He couldn’t possibly…

  "Me too," he replied.

  Anger boiled in me, the final straw finally snapping as he pulled on her long dark hair and kissed up her neck.

  “Damien,” I gasped out, louder so he could hear, pushing the door open so the light would reveal me. Damien jumped out of her arms and straightened himself.

  “Jade-” Damien locked eyes with me, terrified and disoriented.

  I gripped the doorframe, a blubbering mess about ready to collapse from the confusion alone.

  “This is why you’ve been so distant from me?” I whispered sharply through my tears. Damien walked towards me. My hand shot up, telling him not to come any closer. He stopped on the spot, his mouth trying to form some excuse.

  “Was it all a lie?” I asked him.

  “No- Jade listen to me…” His voice breaking.

  “How could you! Not only have you broken my heart Damien, but you have brought dishonor on your brotherhood. Do you have any idea what this means for you if my father finds out?" I hissed.

  “I know… This achievement will mean nothing, but-”

  “You both could lose your heads for infidelity, Damien.” I said through gritted teeth. Fear flashed through his face.

  My mind was overwhelmed, the room began to spin. I held my head in my palm, trying to remember to breathe, looking for some foothold. Damien rushed to help me when I swayed, about to catch me but I shoved him away in anger.

  “You need to sit down…” Damien pleaded.

  “Don’t touch me!” I glared at him making sure to solidify my words. “You no longer have the privilege.”

  Damien stepped back, his head hanging slightly, pain evident in his face.

  My eyes darted around, my heart beat reaching loud in my ears. I thought about Ares for a brief moment, leaving him in the garden. Remembering that it would be better to go to Thule with no strings attached.

  “Maybe this was for the best…” I sobbed, the heartbreak hurting no less.

  “What is going on?” Ares appeared in the door way next to me, he caught a glimpse of Vivian, as she leaned seductively on the desk unbothered by the events taking place.

  “Its over…” I explained barely loud enough for him to hear.

  “Jade, I never… Gah, this was all a mistake,” Damien pleaded.

  My gaze flicked to his like a dagger to his throat, “I agree. All of it.”

  Damien was hit hard by the retort, a scoff leaving him. “You don’t mean that…”

  With a shaky voice, I managed out “I do. Its done, we are done,” I said with reverence as a single tear fell. “Perhaps we have been for a long time…”

  “Jade, please,” he begged and for a moment I genuinely believed it, until I remembered what I had just witnessed.

  Straightening my shoulders, I remembered the crown I wore, and gave a measuring stare.

  “Excuse me,” I turned and walked out, leaving Ares behind in the doorway.

  Once out of sight I nearly came undone, a breath I had been holding bursting from me. Over my ragged breathing, I could hear Damien’s broken tone. “Ares- Ares! you have to believe me- hold on, I can explain everything-"

  Ares’s voice interrupted, dripping with venom “A knight who can’t keep his vow's is just a man in stolen armor…” Then the sound of a solid thud, no magic or curses this time, a fist meeting a skull. “You’re pathetic..”

  I winced and kept moving, my pace growing faster and faster. I hurried down the hall as fast as I could run now. My face soaking wet from the onslaught of tears.

  Keep it together, you must stay strong.

  “Jade, wait!” Said Ares calling out to me in the dark, like a jolt of a rope I nearly stopped in my tracks to turn and run to him.

  Maybe I-… No, keep going. Your heart is unchained. You can go to Thule, a heart unburdened.

  I couldn’t believe this was happening to me. How long had it been going on behind my back? More than a few days at least by the sounds of it, perhaps months. I had so many questions, so many thoughts scattered in my head.

  Damien didn’t wait for me… Could I blame him if marriage was no longer in our future? I guess the soul crushing thought was we had always been each others firsts, for everything. We had mapped out our wedding in detail, to the flowers, and the colors. Any hopes I had. Years of dreaming, just… Gone.

  I stumbled in the hall, holding my head with my hand. My breathing out of control, delirious, growing lightheaded.

  Was my relationship with him the last few months to please me? I tried to think through every conversation we've had until recently, and he had never truly given me a reason to doubt him.

  I pushed open my heavy door and cried not even bothering to close it behind me. I paced frantically around my room, ripping the tiara off my head and throwing it blindly. It smashed into my vanity mirror and shattered. I screamed in my reflection. The sorry, pitiful, destroyed creature I had become staring back.

  Nothing was ever in my control, I was merely a pawn. I thought I could get passed it. But none of it mattered if I was miserable and married to a man with one foot in the grave.

  I took off my shoe and screamed as I threw it at my armoire. I pushed over a chair, threw a pillow at a vase full of flowers, sending it crashing onto the floor. My trembling hands took tight handfuls of hair at the scalp and pulling while I paced.

  This was all my fault… If I hadnt lead Archibald on, Damien and I wouldn’t be going through this. Our perfect plan, our perfect life, our perfect potential. All of it shattered because of me…

  You might be reading a stolen copy. Visit Royal Road for the authentic version.

  Ares ran through the open door, stopping abruptly looking first at the destruction around me. I put the back of my hand to my mouth and snapped at the sight of the recent painting I had finished, the still life of Damien. it was supposed to be a gift for him for completing his training. I had painted for weeks, months to make it flawless.

  Ares, like he read my thoughts perfectly, started to approach me. “You’ll regret it.” And in that split second I moved and took it off the stand, breaking the canvas in two against my knee. I ripped it and threw it in the roaring fireplace.

  “I can’t-“ I sobbed and collapsed at the hearth, watching the canvas char and fly up the chimney in ash.

  The bindings of my corset seemed to constrict around my lungs like a snake prepping its kill.

  You’re so selfish. Selfish. Selfish!

  It didn’t matter how deep I inhaled, no breath was satisfactory. The panic started to set in, the walls were closing in on me, the heat from the fire was sweltering, my vision darkening around the edges.

  “Hey-…Hey!” Ares voice was muffled in the pounding beat that overwhelmed my ears.

  I clawed at the strings of my corset with shaky hands, fumbling with the double knot at the base of my spine.

  “I can’t-…” I gasped shallowly.

  Weight and hands fumbled on my back. The sound of ribbon ripping echoed and I fell forward finally taking in a full breath as my corset loosened around my waist. I looked back to find Ares kneeling, followed by him taking my face in his hands, trembling against my ears.

  “Breathe Jade… Slower. “ His fingers brushing my hair away, out of my face. “Deeper…. There you go.”

  The terrified look in Ares eyes filled me with guilt. I hated that he was seeing me like this, I was coming completely undone and I couldn’t stop it. Would he find me weak? Incapable of running a kingdom? By the look on his face, I knew I had scared him in the very least.

  Prepared to be met with some sort of cruelty, I braced for his rebuttal.

  “Oh Jade…” Ares said in the softest tone, a threat of breaking danced through it. I crumbled, using his body for support.

  “Why didn’t he just tell me? When- when?…”I put a hand over my mouth to muffle the agony in my sobs. “This is my fault…”

  Ares held me, my ear against his chest and just as tightly as I did him. “Shh…” His hand smoothed over my hair at the top of my head.

  He held me for a long time, his hands anywhere they were carresed to instill comfort. His shirt became my handkerchief, collecting my tears. I clung to him until my heart finally came up for air.

  “I shouldn’t let you to see me like this,” I sniffed, trying to wipe away the evidence like I wasn’t actively bawling my eyes out. I got up to stand, holding the top of my dress up with an arm for modesty.

  He let me arise. “Why?” Ares responded softly. “I’m not here to make fun of you Jade.”

  “No one should see their leaders like this,” I sniffed. “Why are you here, after what I did to you?” I made my way behind my dressing screen, shaking and stumbling.

  “You’re my friend first, Jade. I’d be as bad as Damien if I thought you’d be fine after that mess.” He sighed, “To be honest I came looking for you originally because I hated how things ended between us.” He shook his right hand and rubbed at the red knuckles. He got up from the floor and took his place on my royal purple settee. “Besides, I made a promise to you before the raid that I was going to be better to you. And its going to take a lot more than walking away to hurt me.”

  That thread of hope I felt tug on me, stopped me in my tracks for a second, it felt a bit stronger now. I took in a big shaky breath and began to remove my dress, feeling where the ties and been sliced.

  Once set aside, I took the jewelry off my wrists and fingers, wishing I could throw them out the nearest window.

  I adorned my night dress and hiccupped closing my eyes tightly shedding more silent tears, before moving out from behind the screen.

  His gaze settled on me as I stepped out into view. I removed pin after hair pin, letting the curls fall to my shoulders.

  “What an idiot,” he said softly, more to himself than me.

  “I don’t think he ever loved me,” I sniffed.

  “That’s not true,” Ares rubbed at his eyebrow.

  “He loved me once. But not anymore, then” I hiccupped again.

  Ares didn’t say anything.

  “I’m the idiot,” I mumbled, rubbing at the headache starting to form behind my eyes. “If I had maybe been more willing- If maybe I had let him-"

  “Stop,” Ares scoffed.

  “I just don’t know what I did Ares! What did I do?…” I ran my fingers through my hair, squeezing my head. It felt like a crowd of voices yelling in my ears all at once and I couldn’t understand any of them.

  I inhaled till I could feel my lungs stretch, then exhaled slowly through my nose, trying not to break again.

  “Jade, you are a literal princess… Not to mention, his best friend and you feel like you needed to worry about If you satisfied him? You’re upset with yourself because he an Iron Vow knight couldn’t keep it together? Damien knew what he was doing, Jade… And for doing this to you… He never deserved you in the first place.” Ares said bitterly.

  “Then why do I feel disgusting?”

  “Because you loved him, faithfully and innocently…”

  I sighed in addition to unclasping my necklace. I tossed it aside, defeated and worn. I felt like I was caught in a swift current, unable to swim. Unable to keep my head above water. I needed respite, anything.

  I remembered everytime I had gotten this worked up. How Ares usually responded. A constant anchor of comfort. The hand under the table, the shoulder to rest my head on.

  My gaze traveled slowly to Ares shoes, his legs, his hands that massaged his knuckles, lastly his face as it stared off into the fire. Ares was very handsome, but not in the conventional type of way Damien was, it grew on you. And it grew quickly.

  His collar, though fashioned already undone had fallen open some. His jacket now laid on the arm of the sofa he sat on, the cuffs of his sleeves rolled to the elbow showing his beautiful hands and forearms. The way they had been molded and sculpted by hours of practice in every spell he knew.

  I shut my eyes, I shouldn’t have been staring, I shouldn’t have been fantasizing, letting my mind wander so carelessly.

  It doesn’t matter now…None of it does… A voice in my head said a little louder than all the others.

  I refused to look at him again.

  But it does. I protested. It’s not right, I must think rationally.

  I felt my soul groan as I dragged it back behind its wall.

  Not even just a little?… My heart begged.

  My gaze reluctantly landed on Ares again. I blinked, the very temptation wrapped carefully in those green eyes agaisnt the fire light already staring back at me.

  A familiar yearning burned warm in my chest, growing hotter by the minute.

  I licked my lips and held his gaze longer than I ever had, letting myself get lost in the forests inside him. A game of pressure; who would break first.

  “I- had the slight inkling that Damien had been distancing himself; the arranged marriage was such a grueling wedge between us. Part of me, deep down can say I’m relieved its finally over.” My eyes faltered, dropping to my feet on the rug. “I told Madeline…That I was starting to feel things for you. She encouraged me to let myself go, just for the night. Because in some truth and reality, my heart wont matter in two weeks. I shouldn’t have indulged… I realized how cruel that is for you…”

  I took a step toward him, then another, each one hesitant but braver than the last.

  Ares sighed softly in exasperation. “I see… But- If it really doesn’t matter, then why leave me in suspense?”

  “I’m… Terrified, I've never felt this way about another man…” I said wiping my eyes. I took my teary gaze sideways and watched the remnants of the painting burn up. Damien’s handsome face had already dissolved into the hot coals. Part of me did regret throwing the painting into the fire. I had spent long hours on it.

  The memory of having to keep Damien still, him watching me while I focused. I could have sworn he loved me then.

  “You’re feelings are safe with me, I promise…” Ares smiled tiredly.

  I lifted my head, meeting his apologetic eyes once again. A longing like none other filled his demeanor as I stood before him now.

  I thought our friendship would have ended years ago. Anyone who knew us would probably agree. But I think when people say opposites attract, this is what they meant.

  Ares was beautiful, tall, a leaner build. His dark shoulder length hair, his charming smile. He may have been a prankster and a bully, but at the same time he could make me laugh till my sides hurt.

  I remembered the raid again, How comforting it was to rest against him, the way he treated Eli. His compliment of how I’d be as a mother. His defense when I got the news about Archibald. I realized that our whole life he had been like that. It was subtle, but it was always there.

  The side of Ares's mouth tugged up into a small smile, a smile I didn’t know if he meant to be so sultry or if my heart was feeding my delusion. I felt the flood gates break and the heat fill my cheeks.

  Mid thought, his finger tips delicately came to mine and took my hand in his. He lifted my knuckles to his lips and pressed them gently against the skin. I stared at it for a long moment, in shock and awe. I didn’t realize a mans hands could be so soft. Damien’s had always been so rough with callouses.

  “If I ever make you cry like this, I would never be able to live with myself, ” Ares whispered as his thumb brushed over my knuckles, like he was admiring fine silk between his fingers.

  The fire danced in the reflection of his eyes making them pale and glow. His jaw clenched and he swallowed making his throat bob.

  “I wish I had powers like you, that dream realm spell doesn’t sound so bad right now,” I glanced down at his lips before reconnecting.

  A soft chuckle escaped him. “What happened to needing to endure reality? This is kind of nice, right here.” His other hand found the one at my side.

  “Perhaps I spoke too na?vely. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad to simply not exist.”

  “Na?ve? Not at all,” he paused. “Being who we are, this reality, can feel too heavy at times.” He said kindly.

  A wave of emotion hit me again, probably from the drop in adrenaline.

  “Sometimes I feel like I’m drowning,” I admitted as it caught in my throat. “Like right now,” I hiccupped, wiping my nose again.

  “I’m here,” he whispered.

  “Thank you. For being my friend.” That wasn’t what I wanted to say. I wanted to ask him to stay, and I felt crazy for it. I needed an anchor. I just wanted someone to hold for a moment.

  Who was I kidding… I wanted to kiss him. And I wanted drown in them, I wanted to spiral mindlessly out of control. I wanted to feel him and anything but this self loathing.

  Ares lifted my other hand to his lips, another kiss. This time a bit slower, full of yearning and it felt like fire racing up my arm.

  “I don’t want to be friends, Jade,” he said staring at our hands. “Not like how we’ve been at least…”

  I bent down quickly and met his lips with my own. The peck was quick, leaving us both stunned.

  “Sorry, I don’t know what got into me..” I swallowed. “I shouldn’t- we shouldn’t.” I started to pull away when his grip tightened around my fingers holding me to where I stood.

  “Jade,” Ares said reeling, chest heaving. “I’m not a mind reader, and I don’t know what is going through your head half the time. But I do know one thing… You need to stop denying yourself comfort.”

  I blinked, feeling my heart fight the leash I had on it like a ravenous starved dog.

  My whole life was about rules and following them. It wasn’t that the rules were inherently bad, I just never felt the need to break them until right now.

  Ares pulled on my hand gingerly, testing the waters to see what I would do. My body followed that tug, with each step it sent my heart into a gallop. As I reached him, my shins against the velvet of settee, between his knees. I stopped. Starring at him, trying to understand the sensations boiling up in my soul.

  “Let go...” Ares tone nearly begged me.

  I broke our eye contact, and bent down to pick up the skirt of my chemise a little. Then dropped to a knee by his hip on the cushion then dragged the other to the opposite side, straddling him now. Ares hands came to my waist to stabilize while I took my place in his lap and adjusted my dress to accommodate it.

  “Is this okay?” I whispered. Ares chest was rising and falling like he had just finished a sprint, completely awe struck. “Ares?” I smiled. He shook his head from a trance, and swallowed dryly.

  “Is it with you?” Ares hand squeezed my ribs gently, his thumb smoothing over it, making sure this was real. He pace was soft, careful, sure to follow my lead.

  “I feel foolish…” I squeezed my eyes shut. Ares took one of my hands and placed it on his chest where his heart raced, guiding my hand and smoothing slowly around the muscles that laid under his shirt. A signal to let my hands wander where they pleased.

  “You my darling, are no fool, and you feel… Incredible,” Ares whispered with droopy satisfied eyes.

  I leaned in again, pressing my lips to his, firmer now, and he met me in the middle once given permission. His hands slipped from my waist to both sides of my face, thumbs brushing my skin as if memorizing it. My fingers found the opening of his shirt, my mind wandering, tempted to explore.

  “16 years...” Ares uttered quietly, his lips in slow thoughtful pecks between breaths. “Took you long enough,” Ares laughed.

  I pinched him gently on his side in retaliation. “We can stop if that’s how you’re going to be.” I giggled and kissed him again sneaking a hand through the unbuttoned part of his shirt, smoothing it under the collar to his neck. This made his eyelids flutter.

  Ares groaned softly, his pace becoming more and more hungry once the ice had been broken. I followed suit, soaking him in, in every breath, every touch. This wave of desperate wanting to feel him kept building. My hands could hardly control themselves, smoothing over his chest, undoing a button or two, his abdomen, his shoulders, his arms and hair.

  An arm snaked around my waist, pulling me against him. The next thing I knew I was under Ares, my back now on the cushions.

  I looked up at him, my eyes full of stars while he settled above me. “…You are so beautiful.”

  I rolled my eyes, but blushed, shying from his study of my face. I smoothed a hand over Ares cheek, pulling him down, a breaths away from our lips touching.

  “Stay with me tonight.” I panted. I felt drunk on the dopamine, lazy finger tips tracing his collarbone.

  Ares eyes flicked to mine in surprise, his focus scanning me for a joke or tease.

  “All night?” He said taken aback but a glint of mischief in his eye. I felt like I had run a mile. I didn’t know what I was doing, my heart was at the helm.

  I smiled and chuckled softly, “I can’t, and I won’t go further than this..” I said, my touch trembling at his chest.

  “Well… We are already breaking a few rules, so why not a few more?” Ares tempted with a slow, purposeful kiss on my neck. “We are completely alone here, and I have a potion for-“

  “Slow down…” I laughed and cut him off.

  Ares pressed his lips together and agreed, reluctantly. “Yes, your majesty…” He said stealing a peck. “I take it then you and Damien never-"

  “No… We were-… I was waiting.” I said. “But I want you to stay… Please.”

  He rolled his eyes and sighed dramatically “It will be torture, but I can make that sacrifice.”