“Sector 8759674 scan complete. According to this, there is nothing in the region. Moving on to Sector 8759675. Anyone want to place bets on what we will find in this region?”

  A silent bridge with no takers. The crew is bored. I can’t blame them. We’ve been scanning empty sectors for over a month.

  “Alcea, read back our records. Have we found anything interesting?”

  “L-lets see. There was that nebula that looked kinda like a hand. From a certain angle.”

  “Iffff you squinnnted.”

  “Y-yeah. Uhmmm. What about that ship husk?”

  “Correction: It was no husk. Merely an asteroid with an unusually large quantity of metal ores.”

  “Right, I, uh, I know. But it's fun to think it could have been a ship husk, right?”

  “Acknowledgement: No.”

  Alcea needs better taste in men. Or, women. Or… Things. Better taste in things. That insensitive bucket of bolts is the reason I have a resignation letter on my desk. Only reason she’s still here is because they are having a hard time finding a suitable replacement.

  “Hey Joan, what was your favorite?”

  “Cheeeeeckck, bewwwewew.”

  And she’s sleeping at her station. Again. Can’t blame her too much. We shoved her at the communication station and we haven't had anyone to communicate with for weeks.

  “This sucks rotten eggs.”

  I’m going to assume that sounds more elegant in the original Rackter.

  “Shouldn’t we be out winning wars and saving babes from slavers right now? Why are we doing this nerd shit?”

  “Scouting the outer rims of Galactic Union territory can be just as dangerous as anything else. Who knows what could be around the corner.”

  Inanna sounds like she’s trying to convince herself as much as the rest of us.

  “Interjection: This territory was already explored by Union scout vessels a number of centuries ago. It was determined to be barren.”

  “Well, a lot can change in a few centuries.”

  “Very convincing speech. One worthy of ending a hundred year war.”

  Inanna is staring daggers at me. Shit, did I say that out loud? I’ve been numbing my ass in this chair for so long I’m starting to lose my inner monologue.

  “Sorry. I’m just so damn bored.”

  “... Yeah. This isn’t exactly what I was hoping to accomplish with this station.”

  There is a thick atmosphere of melancholy filling the room. I get it, I really do. That all said, if my entire career is this boring, I can live with it. Thirty years counting rocks in nowhere space and I can retire with a big fat pension. Enough to buy a small fleet of Nightingale Yachts if I was so inclined.

  “Suppers on!”

  Fairy walks in pushing a cart full of food. Behind her is another being pushed by Sugar. Fairy asked to be dismissed for something. Didn’t know this is what she meant.

  “Captain goes first. Today is a loaf of meat. Hope the sauce is closer to that tomato you told me about. I also got you a cheese and tuber mash and some onion greens.”

  Sugar has been trying to get some Earth recipes on the menu. Apparently nothing has impressed Chef Treggo. Sugar has been using me as a taste tester. I’ve been going through with it because it’s been the most interesting part of this whole mission. For instance, this meatloaf is blue.

  The tale has been stolen; if detected on Amazon, report the violation.

  “Miss Inanna, I have your usual seafood sampler. I have raw, grilled, soup and stuffed. I wouldn’t mind some stuffing myself.”

  “Every day you make that joke Sugar, and every day I tell you it wasn’t funny the first time.”

  “Can you blame a girl for trying? Mr.Raze, the carnivore special. Today we have a lovely rack of Gruntak ribs.”

  “Oh yeah. A real man's meal.”

  “And Miss Alcea, here’s your order of Gruntak ribs as well. Hope it’s “man” enough for you.”

  No idea what a Gruntak is. Looks like pork to me. And between those two it looks like they are eating the whole hog.

  “Miss Vivvian, Your sweet seed cakes. I used extra syrup to keep the seed extra thick.”

  “Sweetness covers the bitter taste of life.”

  “Dr. Sagaci, three sausage rolls. This one is spicy, this one is mild and this one is vegan with a side of smoky sauce ”

  Sagaci picks up all three rolls and starts eating all three with three different mouths.

  “Thaaank you vvvery much. My ottther halvvves say theiiir thhhanks as weeell.

  “And now for Miss Joan.”

  Joan shoots up from her slumber immediately.

  “Feeds time?”

  “Yes dear. Feeds time.”

  Sugar hands over an assortment of mushrooms. Each a different shape and prepared in many different ways. I know for a fact a few are poisonous, at least to me.

  “Thank the Suug for feeds.”

  Joan hugs Sugar tightly. Raising her little body in the air and squeezed close. Sugar is released from the embrace and left with a bleeding nose and red cheeks.

  “I love my job.”

  “Yeah, yeah.” Fairy tugs on Sugar's very long and taggable ears. “Don’t say another word unless you want to end up sleeping on the couch tonight.”

  “Only if you join me.”

  “You know I didn’t mean it that way.”

  “But I did.”

  Fairy shoves the cooked leg of some kind of poultry into Sugar’s mouth to shut her up. She then opens up her salad and starts munching. Her anger only subsided as the tangy fruit sauce filled her mouth.

  “You used citrus today.”

  “Just got a fresh stock. I know it’s your favorite flavor.”

  “Second only to Sugar.”

  They rub noses in a sickly sweet display. Still a mind fuck Sugar is the predator here. Guess that’s just more human logic I need to toss in the trash.

  Meatloaf is good, Sugar got the fat content just right. Well seasoned, something tastes similar to paprika. The sauce still leaves something to be desired. I haven’t had anything close to a tomato since I left Human space. This sauce is a lot more sour. Human food needs to make an impact before I start seeing it outside our system. Tuber mash is nice. A little spicy, more radish than potato. And the greens are healthy, aside from the butter. Thanks Space God for butter.

  We all eat in silence, broken only by the sounds of chewing. Chewing and mechanical tinkering.

  “Deed, what are you doing?”

  “Acknowledgement: I have, as you commanded, taken up a hobby. The activity has proven very stimulating for my circuitry during the long periods of biological upkeep.”

  “That right? Well don’t leave us all hanging. Share what you have there.”

  “Explanation: This is a radio wave transceiver device. A rather primitive design from the fourth century of the Phibian common era.”

  Inanna walks over to inspect the device while still chewing a gigantic prawn.

  “Oh yeah. I saw something like that in my university days.”

  “Acknowledgment: Correct. I have based this model after Item number 873 at the Tentria University which you attended.”

  “Oh wow. It looks just like it. Why did you choose such an old model? That thing was an antique when I attended.”

  “Acknowledgment: Precisely because it is so old. No machines currently existing in this vessel are built to the specification needed for an item of this kind. As such it has greatly increased my work load to modify and hand implement many of these features.”

  “Y-you have been working on a project like this? I w-wish you told me. I could have, well, you know, helped.”

  I can’t tell which machine Alcea is admiring more.

  “Rebuttal: It was my assumption that you no longer desired to spend personal time with me anymore. That is part of the reason I took up this hobby.”

  “T-that’s not true. You act like I’m wasting your time when we are together.”

  “Acceptance: Correct. My time was being wasted. Exactly four hours and thirty seven minutes was expended by me being adorned in various items of clothing for you to take pictures of. And seven hours and sixty eight minutes spent with you draped in my arms for seemingly no logical reason.”

  “M-maybe don’t tell everyone about our, uh, private times. Please.”

  “Twenty hours and forty eight minutes was spent with unfurled from your bipedal form to-”

  “NO NO NO NO NO!”

  I was right. This is way better than that soap opera ever could be.

  PING

  “Scans done everybody. Let's just take a moment to appreciate the… hold one. What is that?”

  Everything stops. Our long boredom comes to an abrupt end. As we stare face first into a nebula of utter darkness.