[SYSTEM INITIALISING…]

  Loading Realm: Infernum-7

  Difficulty: Absolutely Not Recommended

  Tutorial: Skipped (Because You Look Confident)

  I died choking on a garlic breadstick.

  This was not how I had imagined my end.

  One second I was in my kitchen, standing barefoot on cold tiles, eating garlic bread at an hour no respectable adult should be awake. The next, my vision went black, my lungs staged a workers’ strike, and I was thinking – quite calmly – this is going to be embarrassing for whoever finds me.

  Then the world rebooted.

  [WELCOME, PLAYER]

  Name: ???

  Class: Pending (Try Not To Die Again)

  Species: Human (Provisional)

  Soul Integrity: 98% (Minor Crumb Contamination Detected)

  I opened my eyes to a sky made of bruises.

  Purple clouds churned overhead like an angry smoothie. Lightning cracked sideways, not bothering with gravity.

  The ground beneath me was black stone etched with glowing red runes that pulsed faintly, like the realm itself had a heartbeat and it was deeply annoyed.

  Around me, creatures were milling about.

  Not the dignified sort of monsters you see on dungeon posters. These were… untidy.

  A squat demon with too many elbows was arguing with a floating eyeball over a clipboard. A skeletal hound gnawed on its own leg and wagged its tail proudly. Something gelatinous slurped past me while apologising to no one in particular.

  A sign loomed overhead, nailed into the air itself.

  WELCOME TO INFERNUM-7

  PLEASE COLLECT YOUR DAMNED STATUS BADGE

  NO SOUL PUSHING

  A red imp in a waistcoat spotted me and clapped its clawed hands.

  ‘Oh good, another one!’ it chirped. ‘You’re late.’

  This story has been stolen from Royal Road. If you read it on Amazon, please report it

  ‘I’m dead,’ I said.

  ‘Yes, well done,’ the imp replied. ‘Most people take ages to figure that out. Come along, human-shaped object.’

  A translucent blue screen flickered into existence in front of my face.

  [QUEST RECEIVED]

  Orientation: Try Not To Scream

  Objective: Reach the Processing Desk

  Reward: Basic Survival Package

  Failure Consequence: Devoured (Mildly Painful)

  ‘Is this Hell?’ I asked as the imp dragged me forward.

  ‘Technically,’ it said. ‘But we prefer “Eternal Performance Review Environment”.’

  We passed rows of demons queuing behind velvet ropes. Some were filling out forms. Others were on fire. One was aggressively on fire and insisting it was a lifestyle choice.

  A massive horned creature leaned over a desk, roaring.

  ‘I DEMAND A RECLASS,’ it bellowed. ‘I WAS PROMISED WARLORD.’

  The clerk, a goat-headed woman with spectacles, didn’t even look up.

  ‘You min-maxed wrong,’ she said. ‘Next.’

  The imp shoved me towards an empty desk.

  Behind it sat a demon that looked like a tired office worker who had lost a bet with evolution. Grey skin. Slumped horns. Coffee mug that read World’s Okayest Tormentor.

  ‘Name?’ the demon asked.

  ‘I… don’t know if I have one here,’ I said.

  He sighed and tapped his keyboard.

  ‘You mortals never do. Right. Cause of death?’

  ‘Garlic bread.’

  A pause.

  ‘…Classic,’ he muttered.

  The screen in front of me updated.

  [CLASS OPTIONS UNLOCKED]

  ? Demon Bait – +10% Speed When Running Away

  ? Accidental Summoner – Summons Are Unreliable And Judgemental

  ? Infernal Janitor – Bonus Damage Against Slime, Filth, And Management

  ? Unassigned – Because You Hesitated

  ‘Those don’t seem… heroic,’ I said.

  The demon took a long sip of coffee.

  ‘This isn’t that kind of realm.’

  A shriek echoed across the hall. Something large and many-toothed burst through a side door, dragging a screaming imp behind it.

  [WARNING]

  ROAMING MINI-BOSS DETECTED

  Threat Level: Mildly Traumatising

  The clerk looked up at me.

  ‘You might want to pick,’ he said. ‘It’s hungry.’

  The creature’s many eyes locked onto me.

  My screen flashed urgently.

  [CHOOSE YOUR CLASS]

  TIME REMAINING: 5… 4…

  I swallowed.

  ‘Fine,’ I said. ‘Accidental Summoner.’

  The world lurched.

  [CLASS SELECTED: ACCIDENTAL SUMMONER]

  Passive Skill Unlocked: “Oops.”

  Active Skill Unlocked: “That Wasn’t What I Meant.”

  Cooldowns: Vague

  Something exploded beside me.

  A portal tore open in mid-air and spat out a small, rotund demon wearing a chef’s hat.

  It blinked up at me.

  ‘…Am I late?’ it asked.

  The mini-boss skidded to a halt.

  The chef demon cracked its knuckles.

  ‘Right,’ it said. ‘Which one of you ordered the violence?’

  I stared at my status screen, heart pounding.

  [NEW OBJECTIVE]

  Survive Your First Summon

  Hint: They’re All Like This

  Somewhere deep in Infernum-7, a system voice chimed pleasantly.

  [GOOD LUCK, PLAYER]

  I had a feeling I was going to need it.