Intern’s Log: We Have Reached Peak Stupidity
Date: Redacted
Intern ID: Reynolds, J. (I’m not even mad anymore, just tired.)
BANDIT HAS UPLIFTED THE BEARS.
You heard me. Russia is making humanoid, intelligent, Russian-speaking war bears.
And guess who’s leading them?
That’s right. Bandit.
Phase One: How We Found Out
We first got wind of this insanity when our satellites picked up unusual activity in the Siberian wilderness.
? Secret Russian base suddenly "went dark."
? Nearby villages reported “talking bears” demanding vodka and cigarettes.
? Multiple Russian military units were seen retreating, pursued by what analysts described as “large, bipedal mammals.”
? A captured radio transmission consisted of a single message in Russian:
"The revolution has begun. All hail Bandit."
Naturally, we assumed it was a joke.
It was not a joke.
Phase Two: Confirming the Madness
After several very awkward intelligence meetings, we finally got footage from a Russian defector.
It showed exactly what we feared.
A group of bears, walking upright, wearing combat gear, speaking Russian.
Bandit, standing on a makeshift podium, addressing them like a furry Lenin.
One bear saluting and saying, “Comrade Bandit, the people are ready.”
A bear operating a goddamn tank.
Let me repeat that.
A BEAR. DRIVING. A TANK.
And Bandit was sitting on its shoulder like some kind of warlord raccoon Napoleon.
At this point, we had no choice but to accept reality.
Bandit had somehow:
? Infiltrated a Russian genetics lab.
? Discovered their secret bear-uplifting project.
? Taken control of it.
? Turned himself into the leader of an army of Russian-speaking super-bears.
Phase Three: What We Know About The Bears
Our intelligence (which is mostly just terrified guesses at this point) suggests Russia was working on uplifted bears long before we started the Good Boys project.
Ensure your favorite authors get the support they deserve. Read this novel on Royal Road.
? Humanoid physiology – They can walk upright, use tools, and operate machinery.
? Advanced cognition – They understand tactics, weaponry, and chain of command.
? Fluent in Russian – Because of course they are.
? Incredibly strong – Like, rip-a-car-door-off-just-for-fun strong.
? Highly disciplined – Unlike Bandit, they actually listen to orders.
And yet, Bandit is the one calling the shots.
How?
Is it his charisma?
His ability to manipulate others?
The fact that he has single-handedly caused more global incidents than most rogue states?
We don’t know. But the bears follow him.
Phase Four: What the Hell Is Russia Doing?
At first, we thought Russia would shut this down.
Nope.
Instead, they’re embracing it.
? They’ve stopped trying to kill Bandit.
? They’re treating the bear uprising like a legitimate military unit.
? They gave the bears a FLAG.
? We intercepted a Russian government memo calling Bandit “an unpredictable but effective strategic asset.”
? They officially recognized the bear army as “The 6th Independent Spetsnaz Animal Division.”
Yes.
They made Bandit a Russian special forces commander.
We have lost control of the narrative.
Phase Five: How This Affects Global Security
We are now dealing with the following geopolitical nightmare:
Russia has an army of super-bears.
Bandit leads them.
The Russian military is actively supporting them.
The bears are loyal to Bandit FIRST.
Bandit’s known for causing complete chaos for fun.
At least one bear has figured out how to fly a helicopter.
If you’re wondering how the U.S. government is responding, here’s the answer:
? CIA: Screaming.
? Pentagon: Screaming louder.
? President: Just poured himself a very large drink.
Phase Six: The Worst Part
Here’s what really keeps us up at night:
Bandit knows we’re watching.
We just intercepted a message sent directly to the White House.
It contained one thing:
A photo of Bandit, sitting on top of a T-90 tank, wearing a tiny Russian officer’s hat.
Written in perfect English beneath it:
"You should have let me keep the Snickers."
I quit.
