Intern’s Log: Animals That Haven’t Betrayed Us (Yet)
Date: Redacted
Intern ID: Reynolds, J. (I'm running out of ways to say "this is a terrible idea.")
At this point, the world is one bad day away from a full-scale animal war, and everyone keeps asking:
"What species can we uplift next?"
And every time I say:
"HOW ABOUT NONE OF THEM?"
But apparently, that's not an option.
So, since I'm doomed to be part of this madness anyway, here's a list of animals that have historically been good companions to humans—but haven’t (yet) been turned into super-soldiers.
1. Elephants (a.k.a. The Living War Tanks)
? Highly intelligent – Problem-solvers with incredible memory.
? Strong as hell – Can carry ridiculous loads and flatten a Jeep just by stepping on it.
? Social and trainable – Have strong family bonds and can be loyal.
? Already used in warfare historically – Hannibal rode them over the Alps.
Why We Haven’t Used Them Yet:
? They eat a ridiculous amount of food.
? They live for decades—we’d be dealing with multi-generational war elephants.
? If they ever turn against us, we have no way to stop them.
Final Verdict: Potentially useful, but if they revolt, we are all dead.
2. Dolphins (a.k.a. The Navy’s Secret Agents)
? Exceptionally smart – Can recognize themselves in mirrors and solve problems.
? Already trained for military use – The U.S. and Russia have used them for underwater mine detection.
? Good at coordinated attacks – Work well in teams and understand complex tasks.
? Can communicate with humans – Have been taught to understand symbols and commands.
Why We Haven’t Used Them Yet:
? They have zero interest in taking orders long-term.
? If they ever unionize, we’re in serious trouble.
? Highly likely to turn into oceanic pranksters rather than soldiers.
? We’d end up with a rogue dolphin cartel instead of a navy unit.
Final Verdict: Extremely dangerous if given too much freedom. Likely to create an underwater mafia.
3. Horses (a.k.a. The Noble Steeds of War)
? Loyal and trainable – Humans and horses go way back.
? Fast and agile – Great for transport and cavalry tactics.
? Emotionally intelligent – Can bond deeply with handlers.
? Already accustomed to combat situations – Historically used in war.
Why We Haven’t Used Them Yet:
? They are flighty as hell. Gunfire? Loud noises? Immediate panic.
? If made sentient, they might refuse to be ridden ever again.
? If they ever unionize, we will owe them reparations for centuries of unpaid labor.
Final Verdict: Would be cool, but if they figure out what we’ve done to them for the last 5,000 years, they’ll kill us all.
4. Ravens & Crows (a.k.a. The Bird Mafia)
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? Extremely intelligent – Can use tools, recognize faces, and even hold grudges.
? Great for espionage – Could be trained for scouting and message delivery.
? Highly adaptable – Can survive in almost any environment.
? Already have a human-friendly relationship – Some cities basically have wild raven informants.
Why We Haven’t Used Them Yet:
? They already hold grudges without being uplifted. Imagine if they got smarter.
? High chance of turning into a criminal organization instead of a military unit.
? If they ever figure out taxes, they’ll start demanding tribute instead of taking orders.
? Bandit would definitely recruit them, and then we'd be totally screwed.
Final Verdict: We are one bad decision away from "The Great Crow Syndicate." Do not proceed.
5. Camels (a.k.a. The Desert Tanks)
? Resilient as hell – Can survive in extreme conditions.
? Strong and reliable – Historically used for transport and warfare.
? Long endurance – Can go for days without food or water.
? Not easily frightened – Wouldn’t panic like horses.
Why We Haven’t Used Them Yet:
? Camels are mean. They spit, bite, and hold grudges.
? If uplifted, they would never forgive humanity for centuries of forced labor.
? If they go rogue, they will spit in every world leader’s face just for fun.
Final Verdict: Logistically useful, but likely to be petty and vengeful.
6. Otters (a.k.a. The Ocean Gremlins)
? Smart and dexterous – Can use tools and open containers.
? Great in water-based operations – Could be used for aquatic sabotage.
? Social and playful – Could form strong team bonds.
? Already used by some military groups – The Japanese Navy has considered training them.
Why We Haven’t Used Them Yet:
? They steal EVERYTHING. The entire U.S. military budget would disappear overnight.
? Too mischievous to be reliable. We'd train them for war, and they'd just mess with people instead.
? If they ever get firearms, society is finished.
Final Verdict: Do not arm the otters.
7. Beavers (a.k.a. The Construction Corps We Never Knew We Needed)
? Master engineers – Can build complex structures with ease.
? Self-sufficient – Wouldn’t require much oversight.
? Good for infrastructure projects – Could rapidly build defenses.
? Hardworking and dedicated – Would likely focus on their tasks.
Why We Haven’t Used Them Yet:
? If they turn on us, they’ll destroy every dam, bridge, and fortification in existence.
? Likely to ignore orders if they don’t align with their own construction plans.
? If recruited by Bandit, he’d have instant fortresses everywhere.
Final Verdict: Excellent for military engineering, but if they ever go rogue, expect mass flooding.
Final Thoughts: Who Should We Uplift?
If I HAD to pick one?
Probably elephants.
They’re smart, trainable, and loyal.
They won’t betray us (unless we screw them over first).
They won’t start an underground crime syndicate.
Who should we NEVER uplift?
Otters. (They will immediately overthrow human civilization.)
Crows. (The Bird Mafia will be real.)
Beavers. (One wrong move and every major city floods overnight.)
And please, for the love of God…
STOP GIVING BANDIT IDEAS.
