"Okay, what the hell are you doing here?" I yelled.

  When I trapped Magic hours ago, I'd hoped that he'd realise he'd pushed things too far and try to redeem himself. I'd expected that he'd explode. I certainly didn't hear that he'd fought his way out. How was he here?

  "They chickened out and let us go with an hour to spare," Magic gloated. "Nice try though."

  Sidus put a hand on Magic's shoulder. "I put him in my employ. He's been useful. Thanks to him, I've finally trapped you."

  "Why?" Kara asked. "What's the point?"

  "The point is these." Sidus opened his jacket, revealing an array of pins stuck to the inside of Yeti Bourgeoise.

  "...Pins?" I guessed. "So what?"

  "They're the ones you get from Lair crates, bro," Chaz said helpfully.

  Sidus nodded. "If you opened one, you'd know that these are worth points at the end of the tutorial. My goal is to become the top scorer by collecting them all. You're going to sit out the rest of these bosses, and then you're going to give me your Lair crates. Understand?"

  Lex was too busy freaking out to pay attention. "Zettachat isn't working. Why isn't it working?"

  I checked myself. We could see chat, but we couldn't post anything.

  hentai_feet.mp4 12:20 PM

  We're retreating before we take more losses! We've trapped him with a bit of alchemy but it won't hold!

  Status, Will?

  GeorgeSidus 12:20 PM

  Looks like he's gone into hiding. Told you so. I'll take it from here.

  I clenched my fists. My blood was boiling. "You're pulling this crap so you can 'win' this goddamn tutorial? Why? What do you even get?"

  "I don't know," Sidus said. "I just know I should win it. Why do you even care? I've seen Zettachat. You won't take a chance to step up if your friends spoon-feed it to you."

  "...That's different!" I fumed.

  "Hold on," Lex said. "If you wanna win, why'd you skip the hard stuff? You missed out on loads of upgrades."

  Kara agreed. "Do you have brain damage?"

  "Why risk myself when you can do it for me?" Sidus replied with a shrug. "Anyway, I'm giving you an out. It took all night to craft this thing. The bosses can't reach you in there."

  I hesitated for a shameful second. "...When I get out of here, I'm going to kick your arse."

  "Doubt it," Sidus smiled smugly. "I'm number one, and I'm about to prove it. Anyway, I've got to rejoin my party. Make sure he doesn't get out and I'll share some pins with you."

  "You got it," Magic said, with the worst salute I'd ever seen.

  Sidus disappeared from view.

  "What a dickhead," Chaz said. "So, what are we thinking?"

  "My Find Store potions," Kara said. "They'll get one or two of us up there, and then—"

  A rope swung down between us.

  I looked up. The barrier was gone.

  "It's a rope, dumbass," Magic said. "Get up here."

  That threw us off. We looked at each other in confusion, and then Kara shrugged and grabbed the rope.

  I pulled myself up with Khan, just in case Magic tried anything funny. He reached out to pull me up instead. The rest of his group was standing behind him, looking slightly awkward.

  "He kicked me outta Buy-Lo once," Magic said, as if that explained anything. "Doesn't even remember it. Fuck that guy."

  I narrowed my eyes. "So what's happening here, exactly?"

  Magic rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly. "We don't really care about that asshole, and my boy Tad and his pineapple want to talk to you later. Or something like that. Alright?"

  Tad was helping to pull Chaz up now. Painapple and Yuzumaki appeared above them.

  "This is an alliance of convenience, nothing more," Painapple said.

  Yuzumaki smiled. "If you say so... brother."

  I fixed Magic with a stare. "Is that all?"

  Magic avoided my eyes. "...Maybe my prank went a little too far. Now we're even, right? I reckon this should save a few lives."

  "...I was expecting a 'sorry' in the mix, but fine," I said with a sigh. The sooner I was done with these clowns, the better.

  Kara looked at Magic quizzically. "Why didn't you just zap Sidus with your cat or something, before this trap stuff?"

  Magic grinned and waggled a key fob. "Because now I'm in control of the safest place in the mall, duh."

  "Figures," Kara grumbled. "Fine, but you better let some people in!"

  Magic shrugged and grabbed the rope. "Sure, if they can get here. Good luck not dying."

  I just rolled my eyes and left. With any luck, I'd never have to see that prick ever again. Besides, I had a new essence to check out.

  I looked at the orb I'd brought with me.

  [ < Essence: Vampire Noble [Boss] >

  +4 Endurance, +4 Health Regen, +4 Necrotic Resistance, [+8 Free], Power: Blood Bind ]

  [ Power: Blood Bind

  Touch an ally and trade 10% of your maximum Health to grant them the [Bound By Blood] buff, improving an OddBot power of your choice. This trade lasts for up to one month or until you cancel it, whichever comes first. You do not get your HP back if your blood vassal dies. ]

  On the one hand, this was the best essence yet. On the other hand... If anyone I was tied to died, I was screwed. I'd have to protect them.

  I took a deep breath and closed my eyes.

  Screw it. Who was I kidding?

  "Half Speed, half Dodge. Do it."

  I accepted the essence. It sloshed through my arm and rattled my skull. My heart throbbed for a moment, then settled back into its regular stress-induced pounding.

  The others appeared beside me. "What happens now, bro?" Chaz asked.

  I cracked my knuckles. "Now we help the others. Let's move."

  Time to step up.

  [ CUSTOMERS: 348/1162 ]

  I patted shoulders before we took off. When I activated Blood Bind, a window with my options appeared. Take Chaz: I could give his throwing slices bonus acid damage, or...

  [ [Ninja Vanish+]: Double your Speed while invisible. ]

  Something pulsed in my chest as my Health dropped. Chaz read the notification that had just popped up and whistled. "Nice!"

  I boosted Kara's Darksynth and strengthened Lex's Smak Rak. My maximum HP, newly raised to 20 by my level-up, dropped back to 14.

  Then we ran.

  The east plaza was a mess. Explosions had torn up the floor, cracked the walls, and damaged storefronts. Even up here on Level Two, the railings (and the surrounding floors) had shattered and collapsed. Bodies were everywhere. The survivors who hadn't retreated from the plaza were in hiding, as the boss stomped around the middle of the plaza.

  The boss was a white mech with a rounded body, thick tubes for limbs, and big hips that made it look like it was wearing a nappy. It had shoulder-mounted missile racks, which it was using to blast random stores in hopes of catching hiding survivors. Its health bar was about Vance's size, and only a third was missing.

  [ PINATA THE MECHA BABY, NECROTECH CRUSHER ]

  Below us, a stocky man with gelled brown hair and a blue-furred, blood-soaked jacket was slumped against the escalator. I didn't know enough about blood to tell if Sidus still had enough of his inside him. Some of the nearby bodies had Buy-Lo uniforms...

  "That was quick," Lex muttered.

  Unauthorized usage: this narrative is on Amazon without the author's consent. Report any sightings.

  The mech spotted us.

  Pinata scowled from inside a glass-walled control center. The Zettamall had changed him; he was handling the controls very well for a baby, and he had a fresh purple mohawk.

  He screamed.

  [ You've found a HIDDEN MISSION!

  PINATA wants revenge. For blowing up his body and trying to harvest his essence, this baby is honor-bound to destroy your party. You are now his priority targets. Try to survive.

  SUCCEED: Life.

  FAILURE: Your bodies will be donated to Warcrimes for research and entertainment purposes. ]

  Chaz read the fastest. "Honor-bound? What the hell?"

  I spun up my skates. "Time to go!"

  Pinata opened fire. Lex threw up her new shield just in time; we were battered by lights and sounds as the barrage exploded against it, but the shield held. Barely. The ground below cracked and crumbled.

  We ran. Chaz turned invisible again, Lex put her hours in the gym to good use, and Kara leapt onto my back as I skated away.

  "What the hell did we do?!" Lex panted.

  "Yeah, Will, why'd you harvest a baby?" Kara asked with a smile, despite knowing exactly what was going on.

  "Leave me alone!" I raced for the central plaza and the car park exit. "We need to find Eythendar!

  WillT 12:25 PM

  Sidus attacked us. Pinata is Branticoring us. I'll explain later. Where is everyone?

  hentai_feet.mp4 12:25 PM

  Still hiding. We'll try to regroup and help.

  Harm 12:25 PM

  Radz are invading the mall again! What's going on out there?

  VVVVVV 12:25 PM

  Take a guess! Doing what we can!

  GrindSetBonus 12:25 PM

  Cinema roof. Mallbat Prime knows Krav Maga. Holding for now.

  WillT 12:26 PM

  Coming into the car park from the middle, Level 2! Can you bring the Crapwagon to me?

  Pinata leapt onto Level Two with a jetpack addon and began stomping after us as I skidded around the corner towards the car park exit. Warghoulz were rushing in from here too, but I didn't give them time to react. We ducked and weaved past them.

  The Warghoulz began to turn, but a second barrage obliterated them as they left the corner.

  Into the car park. Again, total mess: I saw crashed vehicles that looked like post-apocalyptic go-karts, human and Rad corpses, and even burning cars. Engines roared in the distance. I set Kara down and passed her to Lex.

  "Take her and go! I'm baiting it!"

  They didn't argue, they just ran.

  I backed off across the shoplin racetrack as I saw headlights. A car raced past me, laughing. The back doors were missing, and the teens were hanging out of the sides with rifle-sized ray-guns. Manaia had been busy.

  Val gave me a thumbs-up as Rozinante zoomed by. I backed off behind an SUV. I could hear rock music...

  Pinata stomped into the entrance, readying his weapons. Before he could fire, the rock music hit max volume and the Crapwagon roared past.

  It looked like someone had planted a squat, purple tree in the back of an open-roofed off-road jeep, bolted bits of other scrapped vehicles to the sides and back, and filled it with armed Radz. Butt rock pumped from speakers strung across the branches on chains. It looked like it would fall apart cartoon-style if a bird landed on it, but somehow the rattling vehicle was gaining on them.

  As it passed I leapt out, snapped Khan outward, and grabbed the rear bumper. (The license plate said WOO HOO.)

  Off we went. I almost fell over as the Crapwagon dragged me along for the ride, but I held on. Pinata wailed and started running, but he didn't fire his missiles as I was hoping he would. Shit.

  Worse, there were Radz on the platform bolted to the Crapwagon's back and they weren't happy to see me. The nearest Burngirl snarled and conjured a firebolt.

  I pulled myself towards the Crapwagon as fast as I could, dodging the bolt by ducking under it. Before she could summon a second, I grabbed the back with my flesh hand so I could reach out for her arm...

  Yoink. Off the wagon she went, screaming. The health bar above Eythendar dropped slightly.

  Two more Radz advanced, but the Crapwagon rattled hard as it hit one of the outer ramps and started careening down to a lower level. As the Radz tried to maintain their balance, I pointed my hand cannon and blasted one in the ankle. He screamed, fell, bounced. I had to switch hands to avoid being knocked down and almost didn't make it.

  VVVVVV 12:27 PM

  So what's the plan?

  WillT 12:27 PM

  No idea! I was trying something and it didn't work!

  Eythendar entered the bottom level. It had changed again—now most of the cars were gone, and go-karts full of Radz roamed the barren concrete. The other survivors were down here, fighting packs of Radz as they tried to breach the mall.

  Pinata wasn't following. Shit. Had somebody caught his attention Branticore-style, or had he switched off to chase a party member?

  Not the time. The third elf was coming. This time I reached upward for a branch of Eythendar and hauled myself onto the Crapwagon, lashing out with a kick as I went.

  I missed. He swung wildly with a knife, hitting my armoured undershirt but slashing my arm. It started to heal, but fuck did it hurt.

  I crashed into him. "Goddamnit! Come here!"

  I started punching as the elf kept swinging. 9/14 now. I jammed a fleshy thumb in his eye and knocked the knife out of his hand.

  He spat at me and grinned as I brought the cannon to his face.

  BOOM!

  I sat back and caught my breath. My health ticked back to 10/14. As long as I didn't take huge amounts of damage quickly I'd probably be okay, and when would that ever happen in the middle of a battlefield with a murderous jeep-tree and a missile baby?

  WillT 12:28 PM

  Okay, I'm alone on the back of this thing. What now?

  SkullGirl33 12:28 PM

  We stole a go-kart! Coming to you!

  VVVVVV 12:28 PM

  Stay there, I'm getting on! You can't solo the driver!

  Watch out for Joe's telly!

  I heard a crash and a squeal of brakes, a screaming Rad in a rolling go-kart bounced past, and Rozinante dropped back to run alongside the Crapwagon. Val was leaning out of the back.

  She jumped across to the boss vehicle. I rolled forward and helped pull her on. A few Radz started climbing around the sides, but Joe leaned his TV head out of Rozinante and hit them with his stun power, sending them plummeting into the concrete.

  Val wasn't in my party, but Blood Bind activated anyway. I could buff Bull's Brawn to also grant Physical Resistance, or double the size of her Maze Expansion...

  "Why are your eyes red?" Val asked.

  Screw it. I buffed Bull's Brawn. "You wanted to get the driver?"

  Val grinned. "Hell, yeah! Back me up!"

  More Radz were coming. Val cracked her knuckles, kicked the first one clean off the Crapwagon, and started punching her way around to the jeep. There wasn't enough room to follow beside her, but I could use my reach and the Stabchop to bully anyone who tried to block her.

  Soon we were climbing onto the back of the jeep portion. The passenger seats were full of Burnboys, and the driver was a humongous Rad in a massive high-tech helmet and leather hot pants.

  [ CALIRAHC THE PRETTY BIG, CRAPWAGON WAR-CAPTAIN ]

  Val leapt into the back seats and started going wild. I yanked a backseat Rad out of the vehicle for her as I climbed onto the side. The driver was reaching for a machete...

  I had a very silly idea.

  The problem with silly ideas was that thinking about them for two seconds made you not want to do them, so I didn't think. I just clung to the side, reached Khan out, and grabbed the steering wheel.

  "Jesus, take the wheel!" Khan cried as the Crapwagon took a sudden interest in a concrete pillar.

  CRASH!

  Radz and speakers went flying. The music cut out. I hopped off, tried to skate away, and stacked it almost immediately.

  [ 7/18 ]

  "Oof!" I tried to get up. "Why did I do that..."

  Val crawled out of the wreckage, coughing. Physical Resistance had saved her from the worst of it, but she was still pretty beat up. "Thanks for the warning, dick!"

  The tree slumped in the wreckage, its health in the red. There was a Rad left.

  The driver tore himself out of the wreckage like it was made of paper and roared.

  "HA HA!" he laughed. "WONDERFUL, TALLMEN! BE PROUD, FOR YOU HAVE EARNED THE RIGHT TO FIGHT ME, A PRETTY BIG RAD!"

  As he stepped out, Rozinante plowed through him.

  WHAM!

  [ You have defeated The Crapwagon! ]

  [ +10 EXP! +$500! +1 ZETTAMALL? Harsh Boss Crate! ]

  [ Further rewards will be calculated once the Boss Rush is complete. ]

  Baz parked, hopped out, and looked around approvingly. "Nice."

  Two go-karts pulled up. Kara and Lex had stolen one, Troy the other.

  "Good work," Troy said, stepping out and dusting himself off like he'd been involved.

  I bit my tongue this time. "Thanks, but we need to find Pinata. Where's Chaz?"

  Lex started helping me up. "He said he's coming. Can youse move?"

  "I'm fine. Val?"

  Val gave a thumbs-up as Baz hauled her to her feet.

  Kara fiddled with her phone. "I think it's time for that fatigue spell..."

  Troy screamed and raised a hand. "LOOK OUT!"

  A shield appeared. This time Pinata's barrage broke through.

  My world erupted.

  [ 1/12 ]

  I was slowly healing again, but I wasn't enjoying it.

  I staggered to my feet as the smoke began to clear. I saw Lex, coughing and crawling away. Val rolling around, screaming and clutching her eyes. A leg. Fuck, whose leg was that? Was it Baz?

  Troy was on the ground in front of me, coughing blood.

  "Dammit... so close..."

  I crouched beside him. "Jesus! Hold on, I have a can here..."

  "I think we're past cans." Troy moaned. "I don't want to die... in retail..."

  "Thisss isss your fault, sssomehow," Milksnake hissed.

  Blood Bind activated.

  ...So that's what you're hiding.

  I reached into my pocket. "You owe me for this."

  "What are you—"

  I slapped the cardboard crown on my head and jammed the Premium Pass in his mouth.

  VWORP!

  Troy vanished. The Cardboard Crown broke apart.

  The smoke cleared. Pinata the Mecha Baby surveyed the carnage he'd wrought, and giggled.

  [ You have borrowed Milksnake's [Twisted Plot+]! ]

  Only one way out now.