Intern’s Log: Bandit Declares War on Mongolia Over Barbecue

  Date: Redacted

  Intern ID: Reynolds, J. (I don’t even know what my job is anymore.)

  Guess who’s back?

  That’s right. Bandit.

  And he has invaded Mongolia.

  Why? Because he wanted Mongolian BBQ.

  Let me repeat that.

  This goddamn genetically enhanced raccoon has launched an armed incursion into a sovereign nation over grilled meat.

  Phase One: The Initial Incident

  This whole fiasco started when satellites detected an unauthorized military convoy crossing the Russian-Mongolian border.

  At first, we assumed it was some rogue Russian unit. But then we zoomed in.

  ? Multiple armored vehicles, all painted with a raccoon insignia.

  ? A large contingent of bears in combat gear.

  ? A stolen Russian helicopter providing air support.

  ? And, standing on the lead vehicle, holding binoculars?

  BANDIT.

  Phase Two: The Demand

  Mongolian border guards initially had no idea what was happening.

  Then, over a hacked radio frequency, they received the following message:

  "People of Mongolia. This is General Bandit, Supreme Commander of the Spetsnaz Bear Division and Founder of the Free Procyon Federation."

  "I have but one request."

  "Bring me the finest Mongolian BBQ. Or we take Ulaanbaatar."

  This was not a joke.

  Bandit gave Mongolia a formal ultimatum over food.

  Phase Three: The Mongolian Response

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  Mongolia, understandably confused, sent a diplomatic inquiry to Russia.

  ? Russia denied involvement.

  ? The U.S. denied involvement (but we all knew exactly who it was).

  ? China didn’t even bother responding—they know better at this point.

  Meanwhile, Bandit’s army continued advancing.

  ? A Mongolian outpost was overtaken.

  ? The local governor received a package labeled "Terms of Surrender."

  ? Inside the package? A handwritten note and a stolen military boot.

  The note simply read:

  "BBQ. Now."

  Phase Four: The “Peace Talks”

  At this point, Mongolia, being a very practical country, decided it was not worth fighting an army of Russian war bears over grilled meat.

  So, they did the logical thing.

  ? They prepared a massive feast.

  ? They invited Bandit and his forces into the capital.

  ? They sat down for “negotiations.”

  For two full days, Bandit and his bears ate everything in sight.

  Multiple herds of livestock? Gone.

  Every restaurant in the area? Sold out.

  A government official tried to refuse Bandit a plate? That man is now missing.

  Phase Five: The Aftermath

  After consuming an estimated 15% of Mongolia’s national food reserves, Bandit declared victory.

  ? He announced that Mongolia was now a “protectorate of the Free Procyon Federation.”

  ? He knighted the head chef as “Grand Minister of Meat.”

  ? He left peacefully… but not before stealing multiple artifacts from the national museum.

  And now?

  ? Mongolia has officially banned all raccoons.

  ? Interpol has added Bandit to its watchlist.

  ? And the U.S. government has, once again, had to explain to the world why we let this happen.

  Final Thoughts

  Bandit is unstoppable.

  He has no fear, no shame, and no limits.

  And if history has taught us anything…

  He’s already planning his next move.